Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Two car thieves are in a car park at night. They find a good car to break into - an expensive sports car with a state of the art security system, and one of them is about to smash the window when his mate says

"Hang on, let's make this more interesting - I bet you a tenner that I can open this car without breaking the locks or the window."

"That's impossible", says the other thief, "But you're on !"

So the other thief rubs his crotch against the lock, and magically, the lock pops open and they help themselves to what's inside.

After they made their getaway, resigned, the thief hands the tenner over to his mate

"That was incredible, but you must have some fancy gadget to do that !"

"Not really" says the other thief, "I was just wearing khakis !!"

A man walks into a shop and says, 'Can I please have a KitKat Chunky ?'

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat cow !!'

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me if I'd check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely youngidealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, Ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex ?"

"1955, Ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out ! I mean, no sex since 1955 ! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)

For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased ! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed ! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, 'I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.

The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'

It was signed: Eddie Murphy and Michael Jorda

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of th e house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is !'



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

The Harley-Davidson Facts !

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle ? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road ?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman ?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous !!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

J.R. wrote:BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)

For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)

Oh not it's not

http://www.snopes.com/racial/mistaken/hitfloor.asp

I always believe what I read in 'The Sun' !!

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket
and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.


Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed
all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded
sign for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his
act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?
''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

A young man moved into a new flat of his own, and went to the hall-way to put his name on his letter-box.

While there, a very attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the letter-boxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had absolutely nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go into my flat,...I can hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her flat. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature ?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's just got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears ? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bottom is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears ?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

FRUIT POLO'S


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

'Red............cherry,'

'Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,'

'Orange........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and
All the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her

"Hello - How are you! We' ve been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,

"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love"

And Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman

And asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.

And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.

I fell and hit my head, and here I am.

What a bummer!

How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."


Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...
There will be Hell to pay later!

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:-
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung-up.

He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like a real idiot.