Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Knowing your love of useless information, I thought you might appreciate this piece of useless information.

179 is the number of words in the Ten Commandments - as opposed to 26,253 in the European Community's rules on the sale of cabbages.

Norra lot of people know that !

Did You Know........... ??

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was charged with littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects !

Oh dear mary, I hope it wasn't me!! Not even ona god day could I recall the contents of 100 pages!! Hope this is new to you!

Dear Friends,

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t found in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the five bucks I found dropped in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber – and it was on Good Morning Australia.

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Regards,

Your friend.

Wonderful, Gerrie

I just sent this to my bank. You might think about doing the same.


Dear Sirs:


In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me.......If one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

Yours faithfully ....etc

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced - with a tiny smile, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'

VERY CAREFULLY DO YOUR ANNUAL DEMENTIA TEST






'It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.'



Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

* * *
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...





1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: 'bread.'

If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.







2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?











Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said 'milk,' don't Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat!
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.










3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?














Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.








4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany ,
West Germany, or no man's land'?
















Answer: You don't bury survivors!

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.










5. . Without using a calculator -

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London, 17 people get on the bus;
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?











Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name?

It was YOU!!

Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells? Read this to the end; you'll love it!!


The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the railroads.



Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.





Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because
that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads?



Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England )
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads?


Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may

be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
!

Now, the twist to the story





When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.

The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.



The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track,
as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.


- And -
You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

I'm sure thuis has been posted back in the distant past, but I can't be @rsed to check, SO, To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it more.

3. It's all the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad , to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed so he arranges for him to come over to Anfield

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he immediately phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what ?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry ? !!! Sorry ? !!!' says his mum,

It's your bl00dy fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place !'

Blonde for real?

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TmYBml4Tb ... re=related

This is the original (Tim's is the satire)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

They are out there, and they reproduce.

And maynthe Lord have mercy on the rest of us.

A prayer, to bring us back to respectful reflection :-

Our government, that is a lemon
Frustration be our game.
My word we're dumb
But there's work to be done
Five days in every seven.
Delay us today our daily decisions.
And forgive us our procrastination,
As we forgive those who procrastinate
against us.
And lead us not into innovation,
But deliver us from progress.
For we are the bureaucrats,
With the power, and the will,
To infuriate
For ever and ever.
Amen.

A LITTLE FLAB !!

One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose.'

While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.


The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
'You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra.'

This was
beyond
a silent response...


So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'


With a death grip in place,
she said...

'You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener,
the postman,
the pool man
and
your brother!'

Have A Good Day! .