Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

A woman took a very limp duck into the vets' surgery. As she laid her pet gently onto the treatment table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm sorry but your duck has passed away." The distressed owner cried "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure, the duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure" she protested "I mean, you haven't done any tests on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put his front paws on the treatment table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. The dog looked at the vet with big sad eyes, and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room.

He returned a few moments later with a cat, which jumped up onto the treatment table. The cat sniffed the duck from top to tail, sat back on its haunches, shook its head and meowed softly. The cat jumped down from the table and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the women and said "I'm sorry but as I said this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

He then turned to his PC and hitting a few keys, produced the woman's bill. "£150" she screamed "£150 to tell me my duck's dead?" The vet shrugged "I'm sorry, if you had taken my word for it the bill would have only been £20. But what with the lab report and the cat scan, it all adds up.

Who said the credit-crunch isn't funny ??

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie !

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

President Vladimir Putin called Tony Blair with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded !" the Russian President cried; "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster !"

"Vladimir, the English people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over ?"

"Why certainly ! I'll get right on it !" said Blair.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please ?" said Putin.

"Yes ?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter ?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied Tony Blair and, with that he hung up and called the President of Durex

"I need a favour ! You've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Durex.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else ?"

"Yeah," said Tony Blair, "print 'MADE IN ENGLAND, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one !

Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths.
His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

'Well, then,' she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

More credit-crunch funnies !

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.

As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office.
She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.'

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.


Q: What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.
The car's been repossessed.

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed.
They've called in the retrievers.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.'
Is it them or me?

What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.

You know it's a credit crunch when...

The cash point asks if you can spare any change.

There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.

Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

Highgrove has been repossessed.

Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.


I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.
He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation.
The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?'


A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.'

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37. 'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'

What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets.

An Alaska's National Forests tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be catastrophic."

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "Be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings ?"

"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "It's the ones with all the tiny bells in them !"

MOTHER SUPERIOR
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.


Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.


Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.


"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you pass away."


She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

The Old Couple !

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.




A spokesman for the channel said........




'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

I'm sure I must have posted this before in the distant past, however it's just reached me gain and is still amusing..........

Real newspaper articles from around the UK

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. Its possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house. (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she wasmissing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s**t, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps

the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this...............................)


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'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian !!'

Glasgow School Quiz !

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School , Glasgow.Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Farquhar Fauntleroy at the front.

'Yes, Farquhar?' Farquhar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.

'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):

'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming................ 'WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM ?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that ?'

Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week.

At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush board Air Force One for one last time.

I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated under Bush.


Every last one of them missed."

The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was "Political Correctness".

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."