Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Racel finds a scrap of paper in Reuben's pocket -- with the name Marion on it.
Blazing row -- "Who is this Woman" ??/
"Darling -- It is the name of a horse, which somebody gave to me as a good bet ."
Lovey Dovey Make up and cuddles
Next week Reuben comes come to be greeted by a frying pan across the face !
"Darligngh whrt wrz thut fr ?"



"Your horse rang up !"

Scots v English



It was the Scotland/Wales 'International' weekend in Edinburgh.
The crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield when suddenly a Rottweiler lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, its jaws wide open ready to attack.
The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.
As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said,
'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.' 'Scots Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl from Certain Death'.
The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'
'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now,
Scotsman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.
The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Scottish, I'm from the Isle of Wight…I’m English.'




The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now..









'English ****** Strangles Family Pet'

With apologies to any investment bankers, stock brokers, or wheelers and dealers in our midst !

News from the Business World

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie !

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's !

*New Stock Market Terms*

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investment banker to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just down-graded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who should be now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use !

Investment Banking ---
Chuck moves to Alberta and buys a Donkey, from a Farmer for $100, the Farmer will deliver it the next day.
On the next day the Farmer says the Donkey is dead.---- I'll take delivery anyway says Chuck !
A month later, the Farmer enquires from Chuck, what he did with the Donkey ?
I held a Raffle for the Donkey at $10 a ticket and sold 100 tickets, making a profit of $900 .
Did you tell them the donky was dead ? --- No only the Winner -- and I gave him his $10 back.
Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley !

13 year old Alfie Patten has joined Fathers for Justice.

He does not understand the politics but he already has a Spiderman costume!

A respectable maiden Lady was left a Parrot, by her sailor Uncle in his Will.
Regrettably the Parrot was possessed of the most inventive and explicit vocabulary.
After the third disastrous Tea Party, the Lady informed the Parrot "The next time I hear you swear, I shall put you away in a cupboard !"
This seemd to work, for a couple of parties--- until on one occasion the Lady went to the Fridge for some more milk ---

The Parrot exploded "What the **** !! *** ! ^^ * ! -- did that chicken say ? "

This may be on here already but you can't keep a good joke down.

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit `your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you
came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want` sex
or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating
on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment .
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After
all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought
us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me...
So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As He** and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a `problem.

and some for St Patrick's Day

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..'


**************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

Loved the Irish jokes, so I did, I nearly dropped me Jamieson's to be sure !

I said NEARLY ! --- It is quite nice sitting here on the Forum on Paddy's Day !

Mick is very fond of shooting things, and Pat says to him "Have ye never shot an Irish Lion ?"
"Ah there's no such ting !" "oh there is , but they're very rare, and live in the caves of the Wicklow Mountains "
"The only way to entice them out is to roar, convincingly, and the lion comes out to meet the challenge !"

Mick practices his roar for week after week and tells Pat that he is off to Wicklow to get the Lion .

Nothing is heared of Mick for a Fortnight , until Pat hears he is in Hospital and visits him --- to find him bandaged from head to foot and only able to mumble.

"What happened Mick ?" "I did like you said -- and did my beat roar --- nothing happened -- so I really gave it my loudest effort--- a real belly crunching bellow-- I waited -- and from the cave came an answering roar--- I dropped to one knee -- put one up the spout -- and took aim ---" Yes Yes" says Pat "And what came out ? "




The Waterford Express !

I'm sure this has been posted back in the distant past. I've just received it again today, and it still make me laugh !

Chicken Surprise - really really silly!

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order ?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
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You're going to love this...................
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You're going to hate yourself for loving this !.............
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'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck !!!'

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one !

A teacher was helping one of her primary students put on his boots.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing,the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so ?' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left, to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens ?'






He said, 'I stuffed them in the toes of my boots........'

Further to the boots on the wrong feet, I was told by a nun (a teacher) that when a child complained that his shoes hurt, she told him he had them on the wrong feet. His reply? "How can they be the wrong feet? They are the only ones I've got."

englishangel wrote: A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/pictu ... ml?image=6

don't foget
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/31031 ... ml?image=8

and while you are about it
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/pictu ... ml?image=7

Finally, for those who enjoy mangled Welsh
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/pictu ... ml?image=4
(it looks nice too)

I shall probably be in trouble for this --------
Let me set the scene --- The Quorn Hunt Ball circa 1960, Debutants in gorgeous flowing dresses, Gentlemen in Pinks with black tie, or White Tie and Tails --- Officers in No 1s - or Mess Dress.--- You must imagine the cut glass accents throughout

Debutante to her Partner, for the moment, in the Viennese Waltz "I say -- what Regiment are you in ?"
" West African Frontier Force Ma'am "
" Oh, I say -- I thought they were all black soldiers "
" White Officers -- with black Privates Ma'am "
"OOH, I say -- how contemporary ! --- I'll tell the Girls !"

Subject: Fw: This is How to Call the Police.... (fwd)
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>> HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD OR INFIRM AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
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>> George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,
>> USA, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left
>> the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
>> bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the
>> light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
>> things.
>> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
>> He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed
>> and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You
>> should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is
>> available."
>> George said, "Okay."
>> He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
>> Then he phoned the police again.
>>
>> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
>> people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to
>> worry about them now because I just shot them dead." and he hung
>> up.
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>> Within six minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter,
>> two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the
>> Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
>> One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that
>> you'd shot them!"
>> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
>>
>> (True Story) I LOVE IT!
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>> Don't mess with old or infirm people
>>
>> Live well, laugh often, love much!!!
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