Jokes, please.....

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

When I lived in South Africa, we had a Burglar -- whom I caught red-handed in the Flat.
Having put him to sleep -- I phoned the Police --
"Is he dead ? " they asked ---- "No" I replied.
There was a pause-- and then a rather dis-appointed "Very well -- we'll pick him up "
Sure enough the van arrived with a couple of policemen, who explained that it was much easier to deal with a body than all the paperwork with a Charge and Trial-------- I kid you not ! !

Mother was away in England at the time, and I impressed on the children not to mention the matter, when she phoned.
The elder (12) said nothing --- but the younger (7) immediately blurted out "We had a Burglar -- and Daddy hit him !"
Mother screaming down the Telephone from UK "Put your Father on ----- Etc Etc ad Nauseum !"

Of course --- being the 60s -- the Burglar was "Coloured" -- you get the picture !

[J.R.]

and on the same track..........

In the old days in South Africa, if, when driving and you knocked a coloured gentleman over, it was considered prudent to make sure of his demise, to save time and money.

An English guy was driving outside a township, when he knocked a coloured gentleman over. Panicking, he drove on to the next village and spoke to the garage proprieter, who said he'd go and check the situation out.

The English guy's curiosity got the better of him, so he drove back to the scene to find the garage guy finishing off a burial.

"Was he dead ?" He shouted !

The garage guy replied, "Well - He said he wasn't but you can't believe a word they say !!!!"

Ooooops !

[bap]

Evidence [if evidence were needed] that anachronisms are alive and well.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

We seem to be on a slightly different Topic --- but I believe this fits ----
I made a particular friend of a Malay chap, who was a customer of our Firm. He was a multi-millionaire (In Rand at 2=£1 !)
and drove a powder blue Chevrolet Impala --- which I coveted !
He came to Dinner with his wife (Apartheidt didn't exist ib private -- except for sex ) and returned the compliment for us.
He explained that he lived in the Malay Quarter, of Cape Town, at the end of a pink wall ---- very dark street-- not many lights, slightly nervous ------ at the end of said wall were two enormous wooden gates which swung open --- and we drove down the gravel drive, around the Fountain and parked in front of a PALACE ! The car was taken away to be parked by "A man"
After Dinner -- which was superb -- I said "Doesn't being a second class citizen annoy you ?"
He replied "No -- when the tax forms are due --- I borrow a suit from the Gardener -- put on a battered Fez and say to the Tax Inspector " Ahm a poor coulored boy Baas (You must imagine the accent) -- ah don' understan' dese forms " and he says
"Oh giv 'em here you stupid Kaffir " and fills them in -------------- It saves me THOUSANDS a year ! !
I had great respect for him --- he was using a system that could not believe that any one "Coloured" could be intelligent !
------- I suspect he now lives in the South of France !
Sorry about the length of Post --- but the whole story had to be told to the Punch Line !

[Jo]

I suspect that the women on the forum will be more familiar than the men with those societal attitudes and your friend's way of coping with them.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

SOCIETAL ------ WOW !
Just to re-inforce your view !


I am going to ground to avoid the "Incoming "!

[Jo]

[englishangel]

:biggun: :mutley:

[J.R.]

'The Pasta Diet'

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you bl00dy well like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you...

[lonelymom]

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

National Hunt Racing will soon be over ------ butI like this one ---
Jennie Pitman has a horse running in a Steeplechase, with Tony McCoy as the Jockey.
Normally the Trainer gives the Rider last minute instructions in the Paddock, before the Race.
Tony is walking the horse round and round -- endlessly -- no sign of Jennie --- !
Horses start to leave the Paddock --- so he has to set off -- At the last minute Jennie rushes up -- out of breath and red faced -- sorry bad traffic ---- just shout JUMP ! in his ear as you get to each fence !
Now Tony is Champion Hunt Jockey, and he is a bit put out at this silly instruction -- so he decides he knows better---

He sets off and all seems well until the first fence which the horse ploughs straight through -- ! but recovers and catches up the Field -- at the next fence tony says quietly --- jump ! Exactly the same thing happens !
This seems to occur at every fence, although Tony is shouting louder -- the horse still goes well and is up withe leaders at the last fence --- Tony SCREAMS IN its ear JUMP JUMP JUMP ! and the horse clears the fence magnificently ! and wins by a nose !--- Back in the Winners Enclosure Tony says to Jennie "Its a fine Horse , but very strange --- tell me - is he deaf ? "




No he's BLIND ! !

[midget]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellowpassenger"

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and replied "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK" she said, that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. But a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".

To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t?"

[englishangel]

LIFE AFTER DEATH :
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

CLIMB THE WALLS :
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.


THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED.... "I REMEMBER!!"

GRANDMA'S AGE :

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

[englishangel]

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Another "Guards " Joke --
The Batallion were serving in Malaya (Tells you how old the joke is !)
The Adjutant goes to the Colonel --- very embarrassed
"Sir -- have you heard about Carruthers ?"
"What about Carruthers ?"
"Sir, he's living in a tree -- with a Monkey !"
"Good God !, we can't have that sort of thing in the Regiment -- Tell me -- is it a male or a female Monkey ? "
"It's a Female Monkey of course Sir -- there's nothing queer about Carruthers !"

Two Guards Officers -- in uniform and highly polished --walk into a Bar and ask for three Whiskeys
Two they drink and put the third down towards the floor --- out of the Barman's sight
retrieving the empty glass they order three more -- and do the same thing.
After a few more --curiosity gets the better of the Barman, who peers over the Bar- to see a miniature Guards Officer -- in full uniform and highly polished--- but 20 inches tall !
"Why What Why ?" he splutters --
"Cholz (You get the accent ) tell the Man about the time you called the Witchdoctor a Prat ! " ---