Jokes, please.....

[sejintenej]

The DM has a story about an asteroid which will (might) slam into the earth in 2036 at 23,000 mph (not 23,001 mph please note).

Faced with this I quote:

Clegg has PROMISED to stop it. Cameron says he will defend the NHS and privatise this asteroid. Cable will try to stop Murdoch from filming it. Osborne states that he has an agreement with it and it will not do too much damage. and finally Millband says he will employ 2 million to clean up after it.

Since we will have gone through the Mayan end of cycle, Yellowstone covering the earth in dust and I will be 6 feet under I don't realy care.

[jhopgood]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely . . . . . .

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[jhopgood]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

4. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

5. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

6. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And last of all :

7. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

This is .... THERAPY!

[kerrensimmonds]

One for JH :-
Testicle Therapy


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.


'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.


He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’

[jhopgood]

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

[Mid A 15]

I bought my wife a belt and bag for Valentines Day, she went ballistic but the hoovers working lovely now...

[jhopgood]

I bought my wife a belt and bag for Valentines Day, she went ballistic but the hoover's working lovely now...

I booked a table for me and the wife for Valentine's Day. She's not too happy as she doesn't play snooker.

[kerrensimmonds]

Boys!

[jhopgood]

Sewing on a button can be dangerous!!!!!

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland , comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming,

"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bl**dy nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

[jhopgood]

Boys!

What did you expect?

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Dublin, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Got an Email today from a bored housewife, who was looking for some hot action --
So I sent her my ironing -- that'll keep her busy !

Paddy says to Mick " I see Christmas is on Friday this year" Mick replies -- "Let's hope its not the 13th then !"

Since the snow came, all my wife has done, is to look through the window ----- If it gets any worsr I'll have to let her in !

I came home today, to find all my doors and windows smashed, and everything stolen ---- what sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent Calender ?

[jhopgood]

[John Knight]

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service

Nice one John
plus
The Phlebotomist thought it was like "getting blood out of a stone"

JK

[jhopgood]

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."

You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to "use the politically correct terminology"

OK" he says: "Zulu . . . . Tango . . . . Sierra"

[J.R.]

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."

You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to "use the politically correct terminology"

OK" he says: "Zulu . . . . Tango . . . . Sierra"

PRICELESS !

(though the youngsters on here might disagree !!)