Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Blonde triginometry

This is PRICELESS. Just about sums up my views on all this P.C. Bollox !

TRAFALGAR - 2005 STYLE: PRICELESS !

Just before Battle - a conversation is overheard on the Deck of HMS Victory:

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye Sir."

Nelson: "Hold on ! That's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this ?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir ?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this ?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it.................Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man ! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, Sir".

Nelson: "What ?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled ? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next ? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons !"

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts ?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What ? This is mutiny".

Hardy: "It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish ?"

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not ??"

Hardy: "No, Sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; It's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety ! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?"

Hardy: "As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu ! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy ?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, Sir."



Nelson: "In that case...... Kiss me, Hardy !!"

I like that JR

Thought I'd post this one quick, before the Religious Police nick me !

Subject: God enjoys a good laugh

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: (Just for YOU, Angel !)

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

AMEN !!

why thank you John

Some Signs to make you Chuckle !!
SOME SIGNS !

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**********************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose ?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Opticians Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome ! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside an Exhaust Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit ! - Stay !""
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Directors:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************



And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak !"

Ah J.R. - we would miss you, if you went away!

I used to have a lovely sign on my desk in France :
" we elimated one out of ever 3 salesmen to this office - 2 have already been this morning..." ( and its even nastier in french) -

BTW, can we tell blatantly sexist jokes here ????

Euterpe13 wrote:BTW, can we tell blatantly sexist jokes here ????

You must have one to tell, so let's hear it!

several, actually ....

this one only works in french :

- pourquoi une femme prefère avoir un chien à la maison au lieu d'un mari?
parce que un chien, au moins , remue la queue quand elle rentre à la maison ...


- 2 women at work :

My husband's cheating on me ...

Are you sure ?

Oh yes, I know when, I know where and I know with whom - just one thing I havent figured out yet ... with what .


And for the intellectuals among us -

- what's that mark on your forehead ?

- what mark ?

- looks like teethmarks ...

- oh... must have bitten myself without noticing

- how can you bite yourself up there ?

-....... must have stood on a chair.


B.

Subject: A Christmas tale to warm your hearts...
> >
> >
> >> A Christmas tale to warm your hearts...
> >>
> >> There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
> >>
> >> process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply
> >>
> >> addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read,
> >>
> >> "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension.
> >>
> >> Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all
> >>
> >> the money I had in the world and no pension due until after
> >>
> >> Christmas.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for
> >>
> >> Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
> >>
> >> I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you
> >>
> >> please help me?"
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter
> >>
> >> up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he
> >> worked.
> >>
> >> The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their
> >>
> >> pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash
> >>
> >> on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers
> >>
> >> felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply
> >>
> >> addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the
> >>
> >> postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did
> >>
> >> for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely
> >>
> >> dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my
> >>
> >> friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it
> >>
> >> and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those
> >>
> >> thieving b@st @rds at the Post Office."
> >
> >
> >

Not quite one of those heart-touching stories with censorable word


S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.


Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.


Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.


Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.










But FART!! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

For those with university connections

Mama has a point

Mrs.Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner who lives with a
female roommate, Vikki.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course if the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder If there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt, but I'll email her, just to be sure. "So he sat down
and wrote:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama,
which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,
Mama

Lesson of the day... DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Not really a joke but:

My brother-in-law's Saturday job in Sixth Form was in Boots.

He had just started working there when one wekend he saw a young man hovering and obviously waiting for him to come free as he didn't want to talk to one of the women.

Sure enough as soon as Alan was free the young man asked him for a packet of condoms. Alan didn't know where they were so asked one of the women who shouted over "Third drawer down on the left marked SPORTS"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air
Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower.
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"