Jokes, please.....
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Richard Ruck
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- Joined: Wed Feb 02, 2005 12:08 pm
- Real Name: Richard Ruck
- Location: Horsham
Hey JudeJude wrote:Hey RR I'm catching up with you!!! I'm UF now!!! I have a folder full of jokes - I will have to create a web link to allow peeps to see them!
, please keep posting them here!That way we can comment on them (as well as nick them).
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978
Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?
Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?
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Jude
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- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 7:21 pm
- Real Name: Jude Comber nee Kelynack 5.38 1975-1980
- Location: Stonehouse, Gloucestershire
ok Here goes a few more!
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?"
*NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Subject: Priceless
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night.?" Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!" Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "
Broken furniture - 85.26
Hot Breakfast - 4.20
Red Rose bud -3.00
Two Aspirins -0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?"
*NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Subject: Priceless
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night.?" Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!" Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "
Broken furniture - 85.26
Hot Breakfast - 4.20
Red Rose bud -3.00
Two Aspirins -0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless
Jude Comber (nee Kelynack) 5's 5.38 1975-1980 Herts.
To Learn - read, to Know - write, to MASTER - Teach
To Learn - read, to Know - write, to MASTER - Teach
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J.R.
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus !"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle !"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all me life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son ?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "Just bl00dy get away fae me. Ah'm gettin' a disability allowance !"
"My God, it's Jesus !"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle !"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all me life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son ?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "Just bl00dy get away fae me. Ah'm gettin' a disability allowance !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Jude
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- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 7:21 pm
- Real Name: Jude Comber nee Kelynack 5.38 1975-1980
- Location: Stonehouse, Gloucestershire
got to keep you amused and try to get to my buttons!! being a GE I am looking upwards and onwards!!
Girl's Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, sh1t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the cat and farted."
Girl's Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, sh1t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the cat and farted."
Jude Comber (nee Kelynack) 5's 5.38 1975-1980 Herts.
To Learn - read, to Know - write, to MASTER - Teach
To Learn - read, to Know - write, to MASTER - Teach
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Jude
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- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 7:21 pm
- Real Name: Jude Comber nee Kelynack 5.38 1975-1980
- Location: Stonehouse, Gloucestershire
Girls - we are the STRONGER SEX!
THIS IS THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!!!!!
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of themall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the *****(and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so
easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad
crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!!
Or at least make them laugh a little...
THIS IS THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!!!!!
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of themall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the *****(and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so
easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad
crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!!
Or at least make them laugh a little...
Jude Comber (nee Kelynack) 5's 5.38 1975-1980 Herts.
To Learn - read, to Know - write, to MASTER - Teach
To Learn - read, to Know - write, to MASTER - Teach
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Mid A 15
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 3174
- Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 1:38 pm
- Real Name: Claude Rains
- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
Chav Nativity
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
> >She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
> >He
> >does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
> >One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
> >Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
> >gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no
> >Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
> >So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
> >Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
> >that.
> >She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
> >reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we
> >are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
> >Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
> >dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
> >yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.
> >But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
> >enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
> >an' that.
> >Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
> >their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're
> >wise men from the East End.
> >Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
> >myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about
> >to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message
> >from this Lord geezer.
> >He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You
> >better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm
> >goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
> >Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
> >they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's
> >safe an' that.
> >Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water
> >into Stella.
> >APPY CRIMBO
> >
> >
>
>
>
>___________________________________________________________
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
> >She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
> >He
> >does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
> >One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
> >Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
> >gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no
> >Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
> >So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
> >Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
> >that.
> >She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
> >reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we
> >are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
> >Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
> >dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
> >yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.
> >But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
> >enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
> >an' that.
> >Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
> >their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're
> >wise men from the East End.
> >Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
> >myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about
> >to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message
> >from this Lord geezer.
> >He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You
> >better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm
> >goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
> >Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
> >they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's
> >safe an' that.
> >Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water
> >into Stella.
> >APPY CRIMBO
> >
> >
>
>
>
>___________________________________________________________
>
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
-
Mid A 15
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 3174
- Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 1:38 pm
- Real Name: Claude Rains
- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
> >>
> >>"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
> >>take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told
> >her
> >>to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to
> >>me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large I told
> >>her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and
> >
> >>I always will. " Ever since that day, we have never had a single
> >>problem."....
> >>
> >>Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
> >the
> >>wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to
> >Jill
> >>and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big
> >>and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear
> >>the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you
> >to
> >>forget that".
> >>
> >>Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these
> >>on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
> >>
> >>"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
> >>
> >>"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king
> >attitude,
> >>you never will.
> >>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >--
> >>
> >>"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
> >>take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told
> >her
> >>to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to
> >>me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large I told
> >>her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and
> >
> >>I always will. " Ever since that day, we have never had a single
> >>problem."....
> >>
> >>Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
> >the
> >>wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to
> >Jill
> >>and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big
> >>and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear
> >>the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you
> >to
> >>forget that".
> >>
> >>Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these
> >>on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
> >>
> >>"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
> >>
> >>"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king
> >attitude,
> >>you never will.
> >>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >--
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
This is nearer the truth, and really WILL upset the ladies !!
_______________________________
Thirty reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19 If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff !
_______________________________
Thirty reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19 If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff !
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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- Real Name: John Rutley
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WARNING !!
If you have strong religious beliefs, do NOT read this joke !!
The Essex 'Chav' Christmas !!
There's this bird called Mary, yeah ? She's a virgin (wossat then ?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriendhav, Joe, innit ? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at ?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah ? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one !'
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right !'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah ? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit ? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh ? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry ?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey !!'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS !!!
If you have strong religious beliefs, do NOT read this joke !!
The Essex 'Chav' Christmas !!
There's this bird called Mary, yeah ? She's a virgin (wossat then ?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriendhav, Joe, innit ? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at ?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah ? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one !'
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right !'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah ? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit ? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh ? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry ?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey !!'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS !!!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
My goldfish died. Why ? (Katie age 5)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an @rsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8 )
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do Mermaids get pregnant ? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8 )
And finally ! (This is PRICELESS !)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
My goldfish died. Why ? (Katie age 5)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an @rsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8 )
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do Mermaids get pregnant ? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8 )
And finally ! (This is PRICELESS !)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
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englishangel
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6956
- Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
This is on the 'looking for' thread, but as this is one of the most watched threads I thought I wouldput it on here too, due to its importance.
http://www.hastingstoday.co.uk/ViewArti ... ID=1274846
http://www.hastingstoday.co.uk/ViewArti ... ID=1274846
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englishangel
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6956
- Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.....................49
Adventurous................Slept with everyone
Athletic...................No tits
Average looking............Ugly
Beautiful..................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure.........On medication
Feminist...................Fat
Free spirit................Junkie
Friendship first...........Former slut
Fun........................Annoying
New-Age..............………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded................Desperate
Outgoing...................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................Sloppy drunk
Professional...............Bitch
Voluptuous.................Very Fat
Large frame................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............Stalker
DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
1 0. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
40-ish.....................49
Adventurous................Slept with everyone
Athletic...................No tits
Average looking............Ugly
Beautiful..................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure.........On medication
Feminist...................Fat
Free spirit................Junkie
Friendship first...........Former slut
Fun........................Annoying
New-Age..............………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded................Desperate
Outgoing...................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................Sloppy drunk
Professional...............Bitch
Voluptuous.................Very Fat
Large frame................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............Stalker
DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
1 0. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.