Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

BEFORE I CAME TO UNIVERSITY, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That it didn't matter how late my first lecture was, I'd still sleep through it.

You aren't joking I suppose.

At Uni my elder son did some research for a huge American firm which has offices worldwide. Whilst still at Uni he was asked to go to LA with the UK group CEO to present a paper at a scientific conference. Later he told me that that night after his presentation he went down to the beach to see the sun rise over the sea because "it had to be done" (I bet he was playing guitar as well). Consequently he found it a bit difficult to stay awake the next morning despite the fact that the UK CEO was with him.
After his funeral his UK boss told me the other side of the story (he didn't know about the beach part). He reckoned that Rob had the sense and ability to sleep through what turned out to be a totally boring lecture which was a waste of time! It certainly didn't hurt Rob's relationship with the Warren Buffet group.

It's not only undergraduates who sleep through the first lecture of the day ..........

Is he no longer with us? Very sorry if he is not, sounds as though he had a very bright future.

[englishangel]

Why men stand to wee

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought he might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God

[englishangel]

How very true

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a ......?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mum."
"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation...... 'housewife' covers it," said the Clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local police station. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know... the words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire!
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing programme of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole bl**dy family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the girl's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

When I got home, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 10, 7, and 3. Upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child- development programme, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt I had triumphed over bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mum."

Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations", and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"??? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

Please send this to another Mum, Grandmother, Aunt, and other friends you know.


Author unknown..................but very smart.

[J.R.]

Midwives do it with two fingers.

On behalf of all male readers - explain, please
....or, on second thoughts, perhaps not

OK then I won't

Maybe if he DILATED his eyes Mary, he'd understand.

(Not bad for a mere male, eh ?)

[englishangel]

On behalf of all male readers - explain, please
....or, on second thoughts, perhaps not

OK then I won't

Maybe if he DILATED his eyes Mary, he'd understand.

(Not bad for a mere male, eh ?)

Nothing mere about males John, some of the best midwives I know are men, my mentor is a feller.

[englishangel]

Things you can only get away with saying at Christmas ...

* I prefer breasts to legs
* Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
* Smother the butter all over the breasts!
* If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
* I've never seen a better spread!
* I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
* Are you ready for seconds yet?
* It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
* Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
* Don't play with your meat.
* Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
* Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
* I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
* You still have a little bit on your chin.
* How long will it take after you put it in?
* You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
* Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
* That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
* I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
* Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
* I do like a good stuffing.





--
Terrorism is a poor mans WAR- War is a rich mans TERRORISM

[J.R.]

How very true

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a ......?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mum."
"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation...... 'housewife' covers it," said the Clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local police station. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.

A rather similar TRUE story when I was a 'green' youngster in the plod and working in the front office of a Surrey nick with a seasoned old copper on the verge of retirement.

A lady, done 'up to the nines' came in to leave her details as a witness to an accident. To make the reporting officers future investigation easier, seasoned Station-Officer took down all her details, eventually asking,

"Occupation ?"

to which she replied, "Prostitute."

Without turning a hair, or batting an eye-lid I watched as he wrote.....

'SELF-EMPLOYED' in the relevant box !

[englishangel]

How very true

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a ......?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mum."
"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation...... 'housewife' covers it," said the Clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local police station. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.

A rather similar TRUE story when I was a 'green' youngster in the plod and working in the front office of a Surrey nick with a seasoned old copper on the verge of retirement.

A lady, done 'up to the nines' came in to leave her details as a witness to an accident. To make the reporting officers future investigation easier, seasoned Station-Officer took down all her details, eventually asking,

"Occupation ?"

to which she replied, "Prostitute."

Without turning a hair, or batting an eye-lid I watched as he wrote.....

'SELF-EMPLOYED' in the relevant box !

Excellent

[Euterpe13]

When I had my annual medical check with the Medecina del Trabajo, the doctor ( male) asked me if I had any specific handicaps or disabilites - I said " yes, I have 2 children... " he had no answer to that one...

[englishangel]

I often want to say that too, not to mention the husband.

[Euterpe13]

I often want to say that too, not to mention the husband.

yess.... I was often heard to say that I had 3 children...

[J.R.]

... nearly as good as when Jan was filling in some fatuous insurance claim form regarding disability.

Usual questions, then it came to:-

"SEX".

She just wrote.....

"YES PLEASE !"

Strangely, the company concerned didn't even pick up on it.

[Euterpe13]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
____________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
____________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
____________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: OK
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
____________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere...
_________________

[Euterpe13]

New Admin-Speak:

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the hell out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." ( in TYCO they use the term “ terminated”…)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous €20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe €8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend

[Euterpe13]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be thaae richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them