THERE'S ONLY ONE BOSS IN MY HOUSE,
(God bless 'er !!)
Jokes, please.....
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J.R.
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SCOTTISH BIRTH-CONTROL.
After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany & Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework banger available from most East end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."
"Trust me," said the doctor. So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ..... at which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand !
After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany & Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework banger available from most East end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."
"Trust me," said the doctor. So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ..... at which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand !
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
MORE SCOTTISH HUMOUR.
Hands up who paid attention at school and knows who Rabbie Burns was ? Well for those who don't know he was a poet who wrote a lot of cr@p basically and that's all I know !
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm.
(see what I mean ?)
Anyway here's another wee bit of Scottish humour for you once again focusing on the two things closest to our hearts - money and weather.
Copper wire was invented by two Scots fighting over a penny.
They heat knives in Scottish restaurants, so you don't use too much butter.
A Scotsman never buys an address book. He scores out the people he doesn't know in a telephone directory.
Scotsmen started wearing skirts because it was free for women to get into the football matches.
To avoid paying his fare, a Scot invented hiding in a train's toilet.
A Scot diving in a puddle to retrieve a five pence piece created Loch Lomond.
The most common ailment in Scottish hospitals is backache caused by locals stretching for their wallets.
A Scotsman goes to a wedding with elastic on his confetti.
If a Scotsman takes a coin out his sporran the queen blinks.
A Scotsman invented a cure for seasickness. He leant over the side of a boat with a ten pence in his mouth.
We reuse tea bags 23 times !
We know summer has arrived in Scotland when: The rain is warm. People open their curtains.
It never gets dark - apart from night time.
The rain clouds are fluffier.
You can take off one of your three jumpers.
Your umbrella gets a sun tan.
Locals drive around in their cars with the windows open and the heaters on.
Craft and gift shops unexpectedly appear from nowhere.
Locals move down to their finger-less gloves.
Scaffolding appears on historic buildings.
Hands up who paid attention at school and knows who Rabbie Burns was ? Well for those who don't know he was a poet who wrote a lot of cr@p basically and that's all I know !
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm.
(see what I mean ?)
Anyway here's another wee bit of Scottish humour for you once again focusing on the two things closest to our hearts - money and weather.
Copper wire was invented by two Scots fighting over a penny.
They heat knives in Scottish restaurants, so you don't use too much butter.
A Scotsman never buys an address book. He scores out the people he doesn't know in a telephone directory.
Scotsmen started wearing skirts because it was free for women to get into the football matches.
To avoid paying his fare, a Scot invented hiding in a train's toilet.
A Scot diving in a puddle to retrieve a five pence piece created Loch Lomond.
The most common ailment in Scottish hospitals is backache caused by locals stretching for their wallets.
A Scotsman goes to a wedding with elastic on his confetti.
If a Scotsman takes a coin out his sporran the queen blinks.
A Scotsman invented a cure for seasickness. He leant over the side of a boat with a ten pence in his mouth.
We reuse tea bags 23 times !
We know summer has arrived in Scotland when: The rain is warm. People open their curtains.
It never gets dark - apart from night time.
The rain clouds are fluffier.
You can take off one of your three jumpers.
Your umbrella gets a sun tan.
Locals drive around in their cars with the windows open and the heaters on.
Craft and gift shops unexpectedly appear from nowhere.
Locals move down to their finger-less gloves.
Scaffolding appears on historic buildings.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
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- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Not sure this shouldn't be posted on 'Word of the Day' !!
_____________________________
NEW WORDS FOR 2006:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere).
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap(!) out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
_____________________________
NEW WORDS FOR 2006:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere).
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap(!) out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Mrs C.
- Button Grecian
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- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 2:22 pm
- Real Name: Janet Chandler
- Location: C.H.
Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
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englishangel
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- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
Thanks once again to Julie (OB not on here tho' we are trying)
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled ansd asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says.
, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a a
bud at the end of the first nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furioue, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door
he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperstely to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him
at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby tuns and says, "Geez Dave , you picked up a real bitch this time."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled ansd asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says.
, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a a
bud at the end of the first nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furioue, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door
he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperstely to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him
at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby tuns and says, "Geez Dave , you picked up a real bitch this time."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
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- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
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- Location: Dorking, Surrey
The Deaf Book-keeper.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say ??"
The attorney replies:
"He says you don't have the effin' guts to pull the effin trigger."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say ??"
The attorney replies:
"He says you don't have the effin' guts to pull the effin trigger."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Some more 'Irish-isms for you !
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A bachelor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," the druggist asked, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A bachelor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," the druggist asked, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Man of the House !
The husband had just finished reading the book, "MAN OF THE HOUSE."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair ?"
His wife replied: "The 'effin funeral director would be my guess."
The husband had just finished reading the book, "MAN OF THE HOUSE."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair ?"
His wife replied: "The 'effin funeral director would be my guess."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
The Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
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Says the chicken: "Big deal, I only have to sneeze once and the entire planet shi*'s itself."
The Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
The Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
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.
.
Says the chicken: "Big deal, I only have to sneeze once and the entire planet shi*'s itself."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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jhopgood
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 1886
- Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 6:26 pm
- Real Name: John Hopgood
- Location: Benimeli, Alicante
(Received from the Malaysian wife of a friend)
Chinese Wedding Night
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says,trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure,
"I wan try somethin I have heard about . Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want...Beef wiff Broccori?"
Chinese Wedding Night
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says,trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure,
"I wan try somethin I have heard about . Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want...Beef wiff Broccori?"
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englishangel
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6956
- Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Some more great 'put-downs' for you girls !
_________________________
Man "Haven't we met before ?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before ?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty ?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock ?"
Man "Your place or mine ?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number ?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living ?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under ?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign ?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning ?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks !"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane ?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots ?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there ?"
_________________________
Man "Haven't we met before ?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before ?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty ?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock ?"
Man "Your place or mine ?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number ?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living ?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under ?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign ?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning ?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks !"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane ?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots ?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there ?"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.