Jokes, please.....

[cj]

Two nuns are driving home from a late evensong in their mini. Their route back to the convent takes them through a dark forest. As they reach the middle point, where the light of the moon has yet to penetrate, they hear a noise on the roof of the car, as if something has fallen on them. As they stop, they see a forked tail lower across the windscreen. Then the face of Satan appears. He begins to shout vile crudities at them, leering and gesticulating in a vulgar fashion.
"Oh no, Sister Theresa, what shall I do?", wails the nun in the passenger seat, nearest to the action.
"Show him your cross, Sister Bernadette", replies the other.
Sister Theresa winds down her window and, leaning out as far as she can, yells, "F*** off our car, you little sh*te!"

[cj]

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a
local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a
little fun, so he says to the Welsh man, "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (look of total amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!"

And before you all accuse me of racism, I'm a quarter Welsh.

[J.R.]

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival, the doctor said that they had a new machine that would transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic but when they returned home, they found the milkman was dead on the porch.

[hoob]

legal complications of a bizzare death.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his dispondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter not the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed the wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidently loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now, becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus."

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son, Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

[hoob]

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've enjoyed the humor you've been sending all this time. I figured it was about time I contributed to the cause. Here are some linguistically- impaired ads that strike me as being most amusing. The source is MORE ANGUISHED ENGLISH by Richard Lederer
The Macon County Humane Society offers a free spay/neutering to senior citizens if they adopt an animal out of the animal shelter.

Remember, you get what you pay for. And at Hub Furniture Store, you pay less.

Why not have the kids shot for Easter, or have a family portrait taken? What have you got to lose?

FOR SALE: Instant coffee table

MUST SELL: 3 grave spaces in Laureland, very reasonable. Plus air conditioner.

PART-TIME HELP WANTED. Must have creative skills, drivers license and car with outgoing personality

SECRETARIAL/CLERICAL -- Excellent word processing & typing skills. Conscious, creative and detail oriented

FOR SALE: Braille dictionary. Must see to appreciate! call Jerry

(On the menu of a Chinese restaurant:) We serve dead shrimp on warm vegetables with a smile

Channel 16 temporarily off the air due to technical improvements

Artie's Restaurant and Yogurt Parlor: "An Alternative to Good Eating."

CLASSIFIED: An unexpected vacancy for a knife-thrower's assistant. Rehearsals start immediately.

(From a request for a magazine subscription renewal:) Dear recently-expired subscriber...

10 FREE French Fry Certificates for only $1.00

[Mid A 15]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.


A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[Laura M]

Why is it rubbish being an egg?

You only get laid once.
You only get smashed once.
And the only person who'll sit on your face is your mother.

[J.R.]

Why is it rubbish being an egg?

You only get laid once.
You only get smashed once.
And the only person who'll sit on your face is your mother.

Isn't this a bit Freudian, Laura ?????????

[cj]

The only clean joke I know;

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

[Laura M]

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Monty Python or Black Adder to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

[Laura M]

And here's another one.

A man walks into a bar and immediately goes to the counter. He sais to the bartender, "Gimme a Scotch!" Knowing this man very well the bartender asks, "Why, you never drink Scotch, what's the matter?"

The man then replies, "I just found out my brother is gay."

The next day the same man walks into the bar and says, "Gimme two Scotches." Again the bartender asks, "What's the problem this time, you don't drink scotch?"

The man replies, "I just found out my other brother is also gay."

The next day the man walks into the bar again and says, "Gimme the whole damn bottle of Scotch!"

The bartender asks, "Not again! Don't you have anyone in your family that likes girls?!"

The man then replies, "Yea, my wife."

[J.R.]

More actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help ?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir ?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct ?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven ? Are you sure ?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label ! Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu ?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu ?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, Sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point ?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed ?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again ?"

[hoob]

For Breakfast I had a runny egg.

I chased it around the table.

It wobnbled and screeched at me - "catch me if you are able".

So I nailed it to the floor

[Laura M]

More proof that being an egg is rubbish, although that egg had the joy of being both smashed and hammered!

[hoob]

More proof that being an egg is rubbish, although that egg had the joy of being both smashed and hammered!

Oh - that's just my tynpninhg....

True notes in medical records


The following are Doctor's notes found on patients charts
( Actual notes - Unedited )
1..Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2..On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared.
3..She had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
4..the patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me
in 1993.
5..The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
6..Discharge status : Alive but without permission.
7..Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8..The patient refused an autopsy.
9..The patient has no past history of suicides.
10..Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11..Patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last
three days.
12..Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13..Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
14..Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15.. She is numb from the toes down.
16..While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
17..Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18..Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19..Rectal exam revealed a normal-size thyroid.
20..She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
21..I saw the patient today, she is still under our car for physical
therapy.
22..Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
23..Patient appears responsive bit unable to communicate with me.
24..Bladder is under control, but cannot stop urine seeping.
25..Heart problem fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.
26..Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.
27..The blood work-up showed no antibodies present. Need the
rest of the blood to be sure, however.
28..If it weren't for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say
he was in perfect health.
29..Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems.
This remains a significant pain to me.
And finally......
30..Testicles are missing on this woman.