Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds, "Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and with a rictus grin, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant,
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and
asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

He thinks, 'This is my lucky day,' and gives it his all on the kitchen table.

He says afterwards, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken."

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes"

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes"

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and itwas really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis!"

I really like this one it is soooo silly.

JOKE

After his examamination the doctor said to the man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife I'm usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
After examining his wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old man," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in August and the second time is in January."*

A liitle boy was studying his private parts whilst his mother bathed him.

"Is that my brain?" he asked.

"Not yet dear" said his mother.

Mick was in the pub one night and as it was a Friday, there was the usual toast of toasts competition - on this particular Friday, he won with ..
"I want to spend the rest of me life between the legs of me wife"
He was so chuffed with this success that when he went home and said to his wife:
"I won the toast of toasts in the pub tonight, dear."
"What was the toast that you won with" she asked.
Mick responded "I said - I want to spend the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"
"Oh that's lovely. You are a good man"
Mick smiled a smile and went to sleep.

On the next morning his wife Mary was in town and happened upon one of Mick's mates. Mick's mate (Larry) gave Mary a knowing grin and mentioned - "you know - Mick won the toast of toasts last night with a toast about you Mary"
"Oh I know" she said "I thought it was really sweet - funny really - he only goes there twice a year - the first time he fell asleep and the second time - I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom...!"


Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God ... Michael Jackson?"


A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."


Two young brothers are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father gets the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we’re going upstairs for a little while. You two stay here and watch TV, okay?"
The two boys nod in agreement, and the parents take off upstairs.
The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on, so he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head. Back downstairs, he says to his little brother, "Be real quiet, and follow me." Together, they tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and whispers, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to get mad at us for sucking our thumbs."

I'd really like to open a delicatessen in the Holy Land.

I'd call it 'Cheeses of Nazareth'.

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland,

They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the

birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.

At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis

looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

"Blow dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom,and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when

Sean O'Driscoll appears.

He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

While holding the chicken's legs, Sean hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief, "Begorah! Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me ....first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, ....den Seamus parrotshooting, and now Sean and his hengliding!"

Gene Pitney's widow visits the undertaker and asks him to make her dead husband a nice coffin out of oak:

"I'm sorry," says the undertaker, "but it would take several weeks to make one from oak. But it would only take twenty-four hours from balsa...."

Not sure about that one, Marty !!