Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments ?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example ?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill ? We're not interested.

So He went to the West Indians and said, "I have Commandments.
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother."
"Father ? We don't know who our fathers are."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments.
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
Not steal ? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery ? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments.
"Commandments ?" They said, "How much are they ?
"They're free !!"
"We'll take 10."



There, that ought to offend just about everybody !!

A knob gag with a difference!

I had heard the knob gag before but the Commandments one.....

I bristled with indignation all the way down until I got to the last one, then I laughed out loud....sorry Jude

englishangel wrote:I had heard the knob gag before but the Commandments one.....

I bristled with indignation all the way down until I got to the last one, then I laughed out loud....sorry Jude

That's the point Mary. As it says - Something to offend EVERYONE !

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

Two French men and one French woman.

Two German men and one German woman.

Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

Two British men and one British woman.

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

Two American men and one American woman.



One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trios.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another
island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

CUSTOMER CREDIT CARD SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around - $60.00.

A family member placed a call to ANZ:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

ANZ: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

(Lawyer info given)

ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure."

(fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

ANZ: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 1469."

ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

THIS DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED, MAY 2006.
Information Release.
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.
For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:
-overtaking in dangerous places;
-hovering within one inch of the car in front;
-stopping sharply;
-speeding in residential areas;
-pulling out without indication;
-performing U turns inappropriately in busy highstreets;
-under taking on motorways and
-taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads,
These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross,
signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.
Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.
Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that
drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.
Department of Transport.

I trust this isn't TOO strong for you !

____________________

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear ?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it ?"

I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."



..........The policeman fainted

Answer Phone At Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline............

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons, you'll mess it up."

I lay upon a grassy bank
my hands were all a quiver
i slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.

Ok Not one of his best but a good first verse none the less.

On her last birthday Paul said he had a surprise for her.

"Darling I've bought you a plane"

"But I can't fly, what the h*ll am I supposed to do with a plane?"























"Shave your leg"

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg.

He says to his mate "i'm f****d who will want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says: "try Paul McCartney!"

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet.
Her knickers all twisted and torn.
It wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
but Little Boy Blue with a horn !

---