Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

John - just look back a couple of posts!!

Mrs C. wrote:John - just look back a couple of posts!!

WOOOPS !

I've removed it. Seems we have the same source of humour.

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

“Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?", the Irishman says. "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband then comes home. She shoves her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. The little boy whispers, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. The boy says, "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, sighs, and asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again. You're in my cupboard now!"

A true story, ALLEGEDLY !!!

----------------------------

A LESSON FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!!!

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be NOW".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You !"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too !!"

How brilliant!! A lesson for us all to keep calm when faced with a blithering idiot and get a much better result.

I have pinned it up on the notice board at work.

ARSENAL F.C.
END OF SEASON DINNER DANCE

Starter
Egg on Face
Seasoned Hash
Frogs legs (past their best)
Spanish Surprise (well beaten)


Main course
Humble Pie
Chump Chops
French (has) Beans
Manager's Beef (not rare)
Catch of the Day - big lemon Sol (gutted)
NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.


Dessert
Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)
Fruitless Tarts
Raspberry Fools
Hard Cheese


Drinks
Bitter
Little Spirit
French Whine
Cabernet Empty 2006
Champagne - sorry none ordered
STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.


Guest speaker:
Sir Alex Ferguson - "What it's like to win the European Cup"


Please note that the club’s European Tour for the season 2006-07 is not guaranteed.

'Wrong way' yachtswoman didn't realise map was upside-down

A yachtswoman who sailed round the world the "wrong way" has finally arrived home safely 6 months after going out to buy cheese. Dee Caffari, 33, from Gosport in Hampshire, left her home in November to do some food shopping but ended up accidentally circumnavigating the globe against the prevailing winds. What should have been a routine journey turned into a nightmare after Caffari took a wrong turn at the Isle of Wight.

"I thought Tesco was on the left," said the silly woman, "but it turns out it was actually right - it was my own silly fault because it turns out I had the map upside-down! I suppose I should have realised when I got to Greenland but like most women I don't like admitting when I've made a mistake so I just ploughed on to Canada."

Cafarri is the latest British woman to survive such an ordeal after Ellen MacArthur, who lists crying as her favourite hobby, disappeared for several months two years ago after telling a friend she was just nipping out to get some fags. Sadly, MacArthur got terribly confused and spent the next 4 months adrift on the high seas before eventually managing to find her way home after asking a passing tanker for directions.

Wimbledon: Henman confident of defeat

With less than 3 months to go until the start of Wimbledon, alleged tennis player Tim Henman has stated his unabashed intent to continue gloriously repeating his past performances of woeful inadequacy. Fresh from romping home to defeat in the Davis Cup last week the former British No.1 has once again set his sights on a triumphant first round exit at The All England Tennis Club Finals which begin in mid June.

Speaking at his training camp in Woking he said, "My huge legion of blindly optimistic fans can rest assured that I'll have crashed out of the tournament by Day 2. I've been working hard on several aspects of my game such as clenching my fist if I happen to win a point, looking very cross if a call doesn't go my way, and clapping forlornly in the crowd's direction after I've lost."

The sight of literally tens of Union Jack-clad fans loitering outside Centre Court may soon be a thing of the past – speculation is rife that this year will (hopefully) be Henman's last appearance at SW19. Having struggled embarrassingly around the international tennis scene for over ten years, the victory-shy star has selflessly perpetuated Britain's dismal record in the sport by failing to register a single Grand Slam success - a feat he's keen to be remembered for after his overdue retirement.

"Apart from miraculously getting to the semi-final a few years ago I think I've been pretty consistent in my tennis. The British public expect me to talk myself up before a game, maybe scrape a rare victory against an unknown wildcard entrant and then bravely roar to a loss whenever I come up against half-decent opposition. I can't give them anything but abject failure at the end of my career, can I?"

Henman's win-starved campaign has not been without controversy. Having recovered from a triple charisma bypass operation in the early nineties he was then the subject of a year's ban from Wimbledon after hitting a ball girl during one of his regular hissy fits:
"I wasn't aiming for her," insists the dullard, "but when have I ever managed to hit anything I was actually aiming for?"

The chairman of The England Tennis Association today played down the effect of the ex- British No.1's retirement from the game. "Tim has been a loyal servant, courageously sacrificing himself over the years, but we've plenty of young and exciting no-hopers coming up through the ranks of our youth academy. I can assure you they'll carry on his and Greg Rusedski's legacy of complete and utter uselessness."

Butt Dust & Fleas.

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative !

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you have to look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and ki ssed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me ?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DREW (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in ?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face ?"

The Sermon Mom will never forget.... Was this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening), leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust ?"


This just goes to show, some days are diamonds; some days are butt dust !!

Ahkmed the Arab.

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket,! pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific ! What was wrong with me ?"


The doctor said .... "You were homesick !!"

Anyone heard the one about the man who turned green .....???

Amazing what Google will turn up...

"The Observer | Food monthly | The man who turned Green into readies
The man who turned Green into readies Entrepreneur William Kendall tells Andrew Purvis why he sold Green & Black's and bought into organic chickens ...
observer.guardian.co.uk/foodmonthly/story/0,,1661190,00.html - 47k - Cached - Similar pages"