With apologies to Mrs Turklebaum (if there was one).
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for five days before anyone had asked if he was feeling OK. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was working during the weekend.
His boss, Elliot Wachiaski, said: “George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.â€
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. The moral of the story – don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
From the New York Times
Jokes, please.....
Moderator: Moderators
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J.R.
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- Location: Dorking, Surrey
I've checked with Jude and we think this one's OK, even if it is the Sabbath !
_______________
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE JEWISH !!
You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy .
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit car ds, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a steth oscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor as "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward I S Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tadtin, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
_______________
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE JEWISH !!
You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy .
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit car ds, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a steth oscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor as "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward I S Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tadtin, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle? Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for ? Hurry up and play the damn thing !"
The octopus says "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off I'm gonna make love to it !"
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle? Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for ? Hurry up and play the damn thing !"
The octopus says "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off I'm gonna make love to it !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
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- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Another to keep the Girlies happy......
MEN ARE LIKE...................................
Laxatives ..... they irritate the sh1t out of you
Bananas ..... The older they get the less firm they are
Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them
Blenders ..... You need one but you're not sure why
Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips
Commercials ..... You can't beleive a word they say
Department Stores ..... there clothes are always 1/2 off
Government Bonds ..... They take soooo long to mature
Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Popcorn..... They satisfy you but only for a little while
Snowstorms ..... You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at but not very bright
and finally...
Men are like parking spots ..... all the best ones are taken - the rest are weird.
MEN ARE LIKE...................................
Laxatives ..... they irritate the sh1t out of you
Bananas ..... The older they get the less firm they are
Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them
Blenders ..... You need one but you're not sure why
Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips
Commercials ..... You can't beleive a word they say
Department Stores ..... there clothes are always 1/2 off
Government Bonds ..... They take soooo long to mature
Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Popcorn..... They satisfy you but only for a little while
Snowstorms ..... You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at but not very bright
and finally...
Men are like parking spots ..... all the best ones are taken - the rest are weird.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Not sure if this has been posted before. Can't be fagged to check back through page after page.
________________
CHAV SPEAK AS SPOKE IN ESSEX !
AEROPLANE BLONDE – One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS – Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pi**ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pi** in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
SSSS****IIIITTTT - The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonder bra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f**k-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PEARL HARBOUR - Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there†(there's a nasty nip in the air)
PICASSO AR*E - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.
SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL - Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TITANIC - A lady who goes down first time out.
WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"
________________
CHAV SPEAK AS SPOKE IN ESSEX !
AEROPLANE BLONDE – One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS – Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pi**ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pi** in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
SSSS****IIIITTTT - The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonder bra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f**k-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PEARL HARBOUR - Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there†(there's a nasty nip in the air)
PICASSO AR*E - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.
SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL - Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TITANIC - A lady who goes down first time out.
WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
- Forum Moderator
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- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
Picture on the nightstand.
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband ?" he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband ?" he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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John Knight
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:19 am
- Location: Surrey
A newly wed Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on de jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted
'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.
Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on de jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted
'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
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- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Jan has just received this from a Scottish mate. I think it's PRICELESS !
Hope you can 'think' with a Scottish accent !
__________________________________________
You know you are a true Scot if...........[
1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;
how's it hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
erse bandit
wee beasties
amurny
awaa an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget
And finally......
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,
"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon ?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin' !"
Hope you can 'think' with a Scottish accent !
__________________________________________
You know you are a true Scot if...........[
1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;
how's it hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
erse bandit
wee beasties
amurny
awaa an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget
And finally......
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,
"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon ?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin' !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Two men are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide.
The first man says to the second lad, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first man says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like ?"
The second man says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue
eyes, big breasts and is wearing a short skirt and a skimpy see-through T-shirt. What does your wife look like ?"
The first man says,
"Doesn't matter --- Let's look for yours !!"
The first man says to the second lad, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first man says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like ?"
The second man says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue
eyes, big breasts and is wearing a short skirt and a skimpy see-through T-shirt. What does your wife look like ?"
The first man says,
"Doesn't matter --- Let's look for yours !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Subject: Fw: Blair, Brown and a labrador
Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said 'Gordon I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it ?' said Brown.
'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other - or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside'
'Right PM' said Brown.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood' said Blair.
'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted it's tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Blair, ' Why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that ? Is it an old local custom ?'
Scroll down !
'Good Lord No,' said the barman. 'Its just that someone went in and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a***holes !!"
Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said 'Gordon I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it ?' said Brown.
'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other - or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside'
'Right PM' said Brown.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood' said Blair.
'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted it's tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Blair, ' Why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that ? Is it an old local custom ?'
Scroll down !
'Good Lord No,' said the barman. 'Its just that someone went in and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a***holes !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Newlywed farmer
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.......
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.......
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? (see below)
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? (see below)
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
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- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit p1ssed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says: "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit p1ssed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says: "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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eloisec
- Deputy Grecian
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- Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2005 3:06 pm
- Real Name: Eloise Carpenter
- Location: London
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."
Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Gordon , with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds each and made a huge profit"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize.
So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."
Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy…
Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Gordon , with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds each and made a huge profit"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize.
So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."
Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy…
Eloise Carpenter
Col.A 87-94
Col.A 87-94
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Mid A 15
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- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
Please Ignore If Easily Offended
What I did on my summer holidays
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By Theo Walcott aged 8 and a half.
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Auntie Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's and thousands on it.
All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.
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By Theo Walcott aged 8 and a half.
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Auntie Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's and thousands on it.
All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72