George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to
hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You're on my list but have no room for you, but you
definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"NO!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony
Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time.
"NO!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill
Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked
over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said ... "Monica, you're free to go!"
Jokes, please.....
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Mid A 15
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Please Ignore If Easily Offended
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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J.R.
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Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that ?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "Was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F*ck all about shark fishing........................How's the bait holding up ?"
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that ?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "Was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F*ck all about shark fishing........................How's the bait holding up ?"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Winning Smart Ar*e Answers For 2005 !
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
*****************
Smart Ass Answer #3:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger ?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #2:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #1:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh ?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
*****************
Smart Ass Answer #3:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger ?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #2:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #1:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh ?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Richard Ruck
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englishangel
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6956
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- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
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marty
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- Real Name: Marty E
- Location: Buckinghamshire
A young blonde woman in Plymouth was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Tamar Bridge.
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into
the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to
livefor. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and
a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed
me away" she explained, "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Torpoint Ferry."
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into
the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to
livefor. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and
a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed
me away" she explained, "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Torpoint Ferry."
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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cj
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Quite normal if you live in Plymouth, or have to visit it for any length of time.marty wrote:A young blonde woman in Plymouth was so depressed
Catherine Standing (Cooper) 
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
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englishangel
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- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr.Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down, again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved.
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down, again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved.
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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Great Plum
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