Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the drunks intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she asked, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But, how on earth did you know that ?"

The drunk replied, ...................


"Because you're ugly."

ANOTHER 'BLONDE' JOKE !

Two sisters from Essex, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far off town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have £600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and we'll drive it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for £599 - not a penny less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the post-office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pickup and drive it here so we can get it home."

The clerk explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99p. a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The clerk shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup and drive out here to collect that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word 'comfortable' ?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She's from Essex The word's big. She'll read it very slowly.........




com-for-da-bull".

ONE FOR OUR SCOTTISH FRIENDS !

Two Jocks, (Billy and William) are sitting in the pub chatting about Billy's forth coming wedding ............

"Ach, it's all going great," says Billy, "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."

William nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in !" continues Billy.

"A kilt ?" exclaims William, "That's ace man, you'll look pure smart in that ! .............And what's the tartan ?"

"Ach," says Billy,......................


"I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

And a few to tip the balance the other way ...

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms." She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’, as she put it.

"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her, ''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F***, Etc.''

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to
summer and BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this
sublime method of outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation. Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried again to take the step, only to discover again that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once more reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

The young lady went ballistic! She turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body ! I don't even know who you are! I could have you arrested for sexual assault !"

The big Texan smiled and drawled: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."

Engineers Patrick and Seamus ( Dublin mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "15 feet !" and walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde ! We ask for the height and she gives us the length !"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on Westminster Bridge Its absolute gridlock... nothing is moving.

Suddenly someone knocks his window. The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on ?"

"Terrorists are holding Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and John Reid to ransom. They're asking for £10 million cash, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average ?"


"About a gallon"


{For the benefit of our american readers... Tony is our Prime Minister, Gordon is our Chancellor and I don't really know what Prescott does except cause scandals...}

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

‘Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.’

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

‘Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.’

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

‘Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f***ing toffee apple.’

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Some ways to make your day happy.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put a rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has recovered from their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for smuggling diamonds".

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Sing along at the opera.

Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all
day at work.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

ACCORDING TO KIDS

GENERAL OBSERVATIONS.

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED ?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age !)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED ?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON ?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE ?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure ?)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR ?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE ?

( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED ?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing - I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9 (Bless you child !)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED ?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there ? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the Number 1 Favourite is ........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK ?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What areall those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that shenever told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have movedtwice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

How do you turn a duck into the King of Soul?








Stick it in the microwave until its bill withers