Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big, scary plane shortly, lovely people. So if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said. "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no-one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch!"

Proud To Be British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and
lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
in the first place.

NOT TO MENTION …

3 Brits die each year testing a 9v battery - on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying
to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
Scalextric cars.

And finally ...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?? Great to see you! Come in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says "Old buddies, lets fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack, and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Dave asks what happened. His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Dave?" ”

Mid-life crisis

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Harry was chatting with some club members on the Rifle Range as they walked back to 600 yards.
‘I think my wife is slowly going deaf but I’m not sure’
One of the guys said that a good way to check is to ask her a question from a distance, when her back is turned.

When he arrived home she was in the kitchen so, from the front door, he said ‘What’s for dinner Love?’
No reply.

He walked a few paces closer. ‘What’s for dinner Love?’
No reply.

He walked a few more paces closer. ‘What’s for dinner Love?’
No reply.

Oh Dear, a few more paces and he was right behind her…. ‘What’s for dinner Love?’

She turned around and said ‘For the fourth time, it’s CHICKEN’

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is
open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be
as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some chocolate.
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some chocolate
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some chocolate.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Here, have some chocolate.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more chocolate.

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable
lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."


CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my
god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox
of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator -
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator -
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it
was amazing!"

Hope this isn't TOO near the knuckle.........

_________________________________

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved !!"

"Saved ? And how did that fine thing come about ?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now ?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact ?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil !!!" said the old nun.......

"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years !"

It seems the 'censor' will allow these through, so.....

Unfortunate Domain Names.

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ...

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey", says Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostrate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc", replies Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expatriate Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostrate suckness, ey."

"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull Wiremu", said the doctor. "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu. "Those Aussie ******** wanted to take my test tickets off me !"

Yet another Essex blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her Mother back at home.

When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed, “I don’t have any money. But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.” The man arched an eyebrow (as one would expect). “Anything ?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, anything” the blonde promised.

“Well then, just follow me,” said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. “Come in and close the door,” the man said.

She did. He then said, “Now get on your knees.”

She did, “Now take down my zipper.”

She did, “Now go ahead . . . take it out . . .” he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered “Well . . . go ahead.”

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said . .

“Hello. Mum, can you hear me ?”

J.R. wrote:Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey", says Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostrate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc", replies Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expatriate Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostrate suckness, ey."

"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull Wiremu", said the doctor. "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu. "Those Aussie ******** wanted to take my test tickets off me !"

why should having trouble lying flat mean he has to have his balls cut off?

(shome mishtake shorely? Ed)

This has probably been posted before, but anyway..................

-------------

Some Un-Answered Questions

Did you ever wonder......................

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours ?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat ?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough ?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet ?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection ?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard ?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him ?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets ?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp" ?

What is the speed of darkness ?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Paraplygic Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be ?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here ?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer ?

Do you cry under water ?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage ?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground ?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out ?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer ?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is ?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours ? They're both dogs for Chrissake !

Can blind people see their dreams ? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests ? (This one kills me !!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ? (G.W. Bush comes to mind here)

Why do the 'Alphabet Song' and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune ?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup ?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window ?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster ?

Keeping up with currency changes ...

EU Directive 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must in future refrain from using the phrase: 'Spending a penny'.

The correct terminology is henceforth: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.