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Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 8:19 pm
by englishangel
Top 20 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

6. There go the lights again...

7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."

8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration
off.

10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

14. What do you mean, "You want a divorce!"

15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.

16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.

18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...

19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 11:23 pm
by cj
This one comes courtesy of my 33 year-old, Oxford-graduate, lawyer brother (and had us rolling in the proverbial aisles).

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I Dunnup.

I Dunnup who?

Urgh, you done a poo!!!

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:20 pm
by J.R.
cj wrote:This one comes courtesy of my 33 year-old, Oxford-graduate, lawyer brother (and had us rolling in the proverbial aisles).

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I Dunnup.

I Dunnup who?

Urgh, you done a poo!!!
I can't believe I had to read this three times before I got it !

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:24 pm
by J.R.
I'm sure the ladies will like this one !

____________________

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in the Northern Territory when she saw an elderly Aboriginal woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything in the car, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag ?"
asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Aboriginal woman was silent for another moment.




Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,


"Good Trade !!"

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:30 pm
by J.R.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing any-thing that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous", well endowed topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

Father Oh Father !

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually.

Then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests ?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them !

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father ?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are ?"


She replied, "Father, it's me !! Sister Kathleen !!"

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 6:39 pm
by englishangel
I love that one.

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 8:32 pm
by midget
I've met a couple of priests who would enjoy that one,too (but no nuns)

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 9:25 pm
by jhopgood
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."

Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 9:41 am
by J.R.
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole inone when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in intensive care. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more
holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up finishing all eighteen holes. He finished his round shooting a personal best of 61, absolutely shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you ? - I hope you're proud of yourself ! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in ICU ! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last ! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care' - And you'll be her care-giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said,...........


"Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago - What was your score ?"

Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 9:19 pm
by englishangel
Sick, sick, sick.

I know people like that. Golfers not doctors.

Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 9:36 pm
by englishangel
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.



At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.



4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.



6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.



7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.



8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 6:23 pm
by J.R.
(Oo-er - a bit xenophobic but still funny !}

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be elevated yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross"since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re- categorized from "Tiresome" to "bl**dy Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "bl**dy Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 11:08 am
by J.R.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves ?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh well, I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she suddenly burst out laughing.

"What's so funny ?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made !" she said.

Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 11:12 am
by J.R.
A pregnant woman is involved in an accident and falls into a coma. After several months she awakens and calls for the doctor. “What happened to my baby ? she asks.

“Don’t worry, replies the doctor, “You were carrying twins and we managed to deliver them both safely. They are being looked after by your brother. He chose names and had them registered for you.

“Oh No ! cries the woman, “My brother is a total prat ! I bet he picked ridiculous names.

Prepared for the worst, she asks, “What did he call the girl ?

“Denise !" The doctor replies.

“That’s Great, she says, “I like Denise ! So what did he call the boy ?"


“DeNephew !!!"

Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:02 am
by englishangel
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral for women: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!!!