Jokes, please.....
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J.R.
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I have been SO busy the last few days with daughters broken leg problems, and starting to sort things out with the F.A., that I haven't really had a chance to do the rounds, Sean. Plese be assure, as soon as I do, I'll post the new ones !soc wrote:please please please JR tell me you have some more, the recent ones have done the rounds of Burnley and there is a lot of giggling going on
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Rory
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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and reads:
Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and reads:
Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
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J.R.
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At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again, he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age that were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says................
"You mean I was here already ?"
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again, he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age that were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says................
"You mean I was here already ?"
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
6. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
7. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
8. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
9. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
10. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
11. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK
12. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
13. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
14. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
15. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
16. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT !
17. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
18. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS ? RAISE MY HAND.
19 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK ?
20. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK ?
21. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING
22. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
23. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
24. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
25. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS ?
26. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
27. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
28. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
29. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED
30. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
31. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
6. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
7. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
8. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
9. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
10. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
11. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK
12. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
13. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
14. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
15. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
16. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT !
17. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
18. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS ? RAISE MY HAND.
19 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK ?
20. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK ?
21. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING
22. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
23. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
24. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
25. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS ?
26. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
27. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
28. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
29. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED
30. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
31. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath ?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down ?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. "
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door !"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down ?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. "
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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I'm sure there'll be complaints... However............
____________________
I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more, we send cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money.
Thanks to you, British dummy!
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them "come fast as you can."
They come in turbans and Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks!
They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away.
Now I buy his house,then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby, it's called breeding.Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist ? Wife need pills ? We get free ! We got no bills !
Britain crazy! They pay all year, To keep welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for the white man race!
If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Pakistan !
PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW
____________________
I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more, we send cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money.
Thanks to you, British dummy!
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them "come fast as you can."
They come in turbans and Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks!
They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away.
Now I buy his house,then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby, it's called breeding.Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist ? Wife need pills ? We get free ! We got no bills !
Britain crazy! They pay all year, To keep welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for the white man race!
If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Pakistan !
PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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A guy goes into an adult toy shop and asks for an inflatable doll. The clerk asks "Male or female ?"
The customer replies "Female."
The clerk asks "Black or white ?"
The customer replies "White."
The clerk asks "Christian or Muslim ?"
"What the heck does that have to do with anything ?" the customer enquires.
The clerk replies "The Muslim one blows itself up."
The customer replies "Female."
The clerk asks "Black or white ?"
The customer replies "White."
The clerk asks "Christian or Muslim ?"
"What the heck does that have to do with anything ?" the customer enquires.
The clerk replies "The Muslim one blows itself up."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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OK you Hertford lot. Enjoy...........................................
__________________
Len was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.
She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT'D BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.
Len has been missing since Friday .
__________________
Len was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.
She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT'D BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.
Len has been missing since Friday .
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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That one strikes a chord.
I haven't yet thought up a good enough riposte for my husband who in the same week forgot our wedding anniversary, took his secretary out the next night and at the weekend went away and came back with a box of chocolates which he told me I should eat one a day so they wouldn't be TOO FATTENING.
Said secretary's birthday soon (40th) and husband has been pondering what to get her. the day before he will ask me of I have anything he can give her and I will give him the box of chocolates which I have put away.
Do you think that will work?
I haven't yet thought up a good enough riposte for my husband who in the same week forgot our wedding anniversary, took his secretary out the next night and at the weekend went away and came back with a box of chocolates which he told me I should eat one a day so they wouldn't be TOO FATTENING.
Said secretary's birthday soon (40th) and husband has been pondering what to get her. the day before he will ask me of I have anything he can give her and I will give him the box of chocolates which I have put away.
Do you think that will work?
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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englishangel
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