Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

WHO SAID MEN AREN'T SENSITIVE


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they
end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that
his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of
cute small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on
the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have
a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this
to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The guy says:................................................................











"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf".

[J.R.]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her ?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seventeen years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long ?"

[J.R.]

Casino.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped completely nude, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes !"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...... "YES ! YES ! I WON, I WON !!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll ?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching !!!"

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Mid A 15]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where they made passionate love. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of ecstasy. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"



Barely able to speak,





the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,













"No, I Norwegian."

[Mid A 15]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a

bath.



"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"



"Not yet," she

replied.

[J.R.]

Buying Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the cashier, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps, please ?" The clerk says,

"What denomination ?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this ? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[jhopgood]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a DVD player to place into his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin; clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long holiday after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxes.

"Warn me huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

"Moses,' the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot quickly answered,

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

[Mid A 15]

1. Night clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as "E by gum".

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy Marijuana press the hash key..."

3. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

5. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

6. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

7. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there nothing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

[J.R.]

A New Poem by Sir Paul McCartney.

We sat upon the grassy bank
My hand went all a quiver.
As I undid her suspender belt,
Her leg fell in the river.

[jhopgood]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a

bath.



"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"



"Not yet," she

replied.

That reminds me of a ISIRTA standard joke.

A three-year-old boy watches his father in the shower and asks:
"What are those for?"

"FOUR????"

[englishangel]

At long last, somebody invented something useful:

Announcement from Apple Computer:

"Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

[ben ashton]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,
when suddenly...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a
machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he
is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn
Pepe
with his dying breath.. . . .

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


"Ees.....





Ees.....





Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Richard Ruck]

That joke was being told when I first went to C.H. in 1972!!

[J.R.]

Touche !

At a French airport... A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on luggage.

"You have been to France before, monsieur ?" The Customs Officer asked, sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France, previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it !"

"Impossible !" Barked the officer. "Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France."

The American senior citizen gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to !!!"


TOUCHE INDEED !!

[J.R.]

Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by

"See ma new trainers ? Stonkin, eh ?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone ?

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! It clearly says ....


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.... TAIWAN !!!