A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender .... "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Jokes, please.....
Moderator: Moderators
-
cj
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 1738
- Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2006 10:35 pm
- Real Name: Catherine Standing
- Location: Devon
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the
problem"?
"I'm out of fuel," replied the man.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."
problem"?
"I'm out of fuel," replied the man.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."
Catherine Standing (Cooper) 
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
-
cj
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 1738
- Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2006 10:35 pm
- Real Name: Catherine Standing
- Location: Devon
Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters." said the professor to the student from UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness'" said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texas A&M student replied,
"Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
"Just to establish some parameters." said the professor to the student from UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness'" said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texas A&M student replied,
"Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
Catherine Standing (Cooper)
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
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englishangel
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6956
- Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You're clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "... And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You're clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "... And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
> NEW FERRARI PIT CREW
>
>
> The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The
> announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from
Liverpool.
> The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on
how
> unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set
of
> wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
> Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds
> with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
>
>
> Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the
Ferrari
> management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the
UK
> under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari
> now have an advantage over every team.
>
> However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.... At the
> crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully
> changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they
had
> re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8
> bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's
bird
> in the shower.
>
>
> The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The
> announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from
Liverpool.
> The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on
how
> unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set
of
> wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
> Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds
> with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
>
>
> Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the
Ferrari
> management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the
UK
> under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari
> now have an advantage over every team.
>
> However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.... At the
> crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully
> changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they
had
> re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8
> bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's
bird
> in the shower.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
You know you're getting older, when.......
An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times !"
______________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel ?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really ?? Like a newborn baby ??"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
______________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant ?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love ?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose ?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?"
______________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown !!"
______________________
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down ?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
______________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married ?"
"Yep !"
"Do I know her ?"
"Nope !"
"This woman, is she good looking ?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook ?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money ?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed ?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?"
"Because she can still drive !"
______________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it ?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday !"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
______________________
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it ?"
"Twelve thirty."
______________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you ?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts ?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times !"
______________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel ?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really ?? Like a newborn baby ??"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
______________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant ?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love ?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose ?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?"
______________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown !!"
______________________
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down ?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
______________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married ?"
"Yep !"
"Do I know her ?"
"Nope !"
"This woman, is she good looking ?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook ?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money ?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed ?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?"
"Because she can still drive !"
______________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it ?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday !"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
______________________
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it ?"
"Twelve thirty."
______________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you ?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts ?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
englishangel
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6956
- Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
-
sejintenej
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 4101
- Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:19 pm
- Real Name: David Brown ColA '52-'61
- Location: Essex
Nuts
Nuts to you too.
In the Nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground-nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground).
Source: H.M. Government. but then we always knew they were nuts, unground (other than ground-nuts) except when in reference to this Order referred to as Nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) and not nutcases.
In the Nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground-nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground).
Source: H.M. Government. but then we always knew they were nuts, unground (other than ground-nuts) except when in reference to this Order referred to as Nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) and not nutcases.
-
John Knight
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:19 am
- Location: Surrey
TO: ALL STAFF
DATE: 21 February 2007
EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAMME
Due to the economic situation, Management has decided to reduce the current work force and has devised a Reduction of Employees programme.
Under this plan, older employees will be placed in early retirement, permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company.
A programme to phase out the older personnel (over 40) by the end of the current financial year will be put into effect immediately.
This programme will be known as RAPE (Retirement, Aged Personnel, Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company provided that, while they are RAPED, they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the programme will be known as SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may apply for a final review.
This phase will be known as STUFFED (Study of Termination of Use for Further Education and Development).
Programme policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but can get STUFFED as many times as the Management sees fit.
DATE: 21 February 2007
EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAMME
Due to the economic situation, Management has decided to reduce the current work force and has devised a Reduction of Employees programme.
Under this plan, older employees will be placed in early retirement, permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company.
A programme to phase out the older personnel (over 40) by the end of the current financial year will be put into effect immediately.
This programme will be known as RAPE (Retirement, Aged Personnel, Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company provided that, while they are RAPED, they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the programme will be known as SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may apply for a final review.
This phase will be known as STUFFED (Study of Termination of Use for Further Education and Development).
Programme policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but can get STUFFED as many times as the Management sees fit.
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
This is alleged to be true !!!
___________________________
And who said the Yanks were slow !
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this................
Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
___________________________
And who said the Yanks were slow !
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this................
Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
Mid A 15
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 3174
- Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 1:38 pm
- Real Name: Claude Rains
- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom
of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom
of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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Mid A 15
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 3174
- Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 1:38 pm
- Real Name: Claude Rains
- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
Bit Saucy Ignore If Easily Offended!!
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel!"
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel!"
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The biker said, "Well. as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand. Put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand ?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me ?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady ! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that ?
The lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The biker said, "Well. as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand. Put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand ?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me ?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady ! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that ?
The lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
The chemist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall ?"
The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The chemist yells, "You idiot ! You can't treat a cough with a laxative !"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can ! Look at him ! He's far too afraid to cough !!!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The chemist yells, "You idiot ! You can't treat a cough with a laxative !"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can ! Look at him ! He's far too afraid to cough !!!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.