Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

The day after I passed my driving test I drove round the Hanger Lane Gyratory System (known and loved by all in North and West London) with my husband (who couldn't drive at the time) and he said "You drove that very well......I did have my eyes closed though!"

My response? "so did I!"

[J.R.]

..... or the question asked of an Aeroflot pilot.

"Do your planes crash very often ?"

"No Sir - Only once !"

[J.R.]

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

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2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

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3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

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4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

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5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

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6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled, "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

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1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the westbound and go in the opposite direction."

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2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

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3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

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4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a Security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a Wall.....'."

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5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

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6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a Registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

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7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver Announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, Ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

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8) Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

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9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

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10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

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11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

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12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

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13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl00dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways !"

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14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage"

[Mid A 15]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ......."Don't you have a vase?"

[englishangel]

Not sure if this should be here, the Iran thread or the sexist one, anyway...

15 sailors and marines arrested for trespassing into Iranian territorial waters.

14 men and 1 woman. No prizes for guessing who was reading the map!

[J.R.]

I thought it had been proved that they were illegally kidnapped OUTSIDE Iran waters ?

I heard on the lunchtime news today that the President of Iran has decided to release our troops WITHOUT ANY CHARGES !!

That's Big of him !!!!!

Maybe the truth will out, now.

[englishangel]

I thought it had been proved that they were illegally kidnapped OUTSIDE Iran waters ?

It's a JOKE

[J.R.]

Just seen some footage of them on their release, fitted out in ill-fitting 'Burton's' style suits.

P'raps their uniforms had got too soiled after so long.

Speaks volumes about Iran's laundry facilities, doesn't it ?

Then again....................

[Stan]

Pakistan are to stop playing international cricket. They're going to take up bob sleighing instead...

Absolutely brilliant, Marty !!

I had to read it twice before the penny dropped !

Another in the worst possible taste.

Pakistan went to the Carribean to win the World Cup but came back with the Ashes

[John Knight]

The European Union Commissioners have announced
that agreement has been reached to adopt English
as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the
other possibility.

As part of the negociations, Her Majesty's
Government concede that standard English spelling
could be simplified, and has accepted a 5 year
phased plan for what will be known as Euro
English Language (Eurol for short).

In the first year "S" will be used instead of the soft C.

Sertain sivil servants will reseive this news
with joy. Also the hard "C" will be replased with
"K". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the troublesome "PH" will be
replased by "F". This will result in words such
as fotograf being 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
more komplkated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent "E"s in the lexicon is
disgrasful, and will hav to go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to the
steps such as replasing "TH" by "Z" and "W" by
"V".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "O" kan be
dropd from vords containing "OU" and similar
changes vud ov kors be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters, such as replacing "F" when sounded
like "V".

Avter ze fiftz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "OU", and similar changes
vud ov of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ov
leters.

Vrom zen on, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls nor difikultiz,
and evriun vil find it ezi tu undertstand ech
ozer.

Ozerviz, ve häf vays to mük zem ünerständ beter... jahwol!

[englishangel]

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV and Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing !"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, Isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my God !!!!! What have I just said ?"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night ?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard !

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[J.R.]

........... and I'm NOT taking responsibility for the posting of the previous joke !

[John Knight]

.... anybody who posts a joke like that... I have just got to meet up with one day!

[englishangel]

Well you live in the same county as the perpetrator.

JR don't ever DARE me.

[J.R.]

Well you live in the same county as the perpetrator.

JR don't ever DARE me.

OK - I own up. I sent it to Mary and SHE posted it !