Heaven or Hell?

[shoz]

With the lighter nights and warmer days upon us, what is your idea of Heaven and what is your nightmare?

My idea of Hell is -

sitting outside a pub in a beer garden melting in the hot sun, surrounded by people that are unable to have a conversation with whom ever they are with without the entire pub hearing what they have to say
a day trip to Blackpool (there were over 1,000,000 extra people there this weekend alone)
shopping in my local town that appears to be overrun with hoodies etc


My idea of Heaven is -

friends and family round for a barbeque, sitting in the garden until as late as possible
a stroll round a local reservoir with my wife
a drive into the countryside

I know a lot of you will disagree with me, but it wouldn't do for us all to be the same.

[marty]

Hell:

1. Spending £50 on a train ticket to Castle Cary 2 months in advance of my journey only for the incompetent bunch of dimwits at First Great Western to not reserve me a seat, thus forcing me stand for an hour and half in the aisle with several hundred other similarly disgruntled passengers, and then - the crowning turd in the water pipe - having to stand and listen to First Great Western's quite frankly insulting excuse for an apology that the congestion was due to 'the bank holiday' and not to either a lack of forethought on their part, or, as I more strongly suspect, an overwhelming surge of shareholder-induced avarice, leading the aforementioned profit-obsessed rail franchise to knowingly over-sell tickets on its London to Plymouth service by around 200 %.

2. Managing to acquire a seat on the return leg back to London only for the loudest 4 year old in Christendom to be sitting opposite, thus destroying any hope of a peaceful and relaxing journey home.

3. Watching England play football.

4. Watching England play cricket.

Heaven:

1. Writing long, insulting letter to First Crap Western bemoaning their greed and total ineptitude.

2. Curry.

3. Watching Crimewatch with Fiona Bruce.

4. Knowing that Wales and Scotland are even worse at football than England.

[Great Plum]

You must let us know what First Crap Western have to say in their defence...

I had to go on First Crapital Connect the other day - what an appalling service - and why do they think that purple and pink is a fine livery for their rolling stock?

[cj]

My idea of heaven was experienced first hand on Saturday. The weather was glorious, so we took ofF to Dartmoor and found a spot where we could sit by a stream, have a picnic and sun ourselves. The water was very shallow and as clear as can be, so Cora, my brother-in-law and husband paddled and made dams in the little gravel island while I sat and sketched them playing. Then home, via another spot where we spotted baby salmon, for tea all ready and waiting for us, Casino Royale and a bottle of wine.

Hell is (amongst other things!) any journey on the motorway and a visitor to the house tramping dog sh1t right through, up 4 flights of stairs.

[marty]

You must let us know what First Crap Western have to say in their defence...

I had to go on First Crapital Connect the other day - what an appalling service - and why do they think that purple and pink is a fine livery for their rolling stock?

I will certainly let you know although I think that livery colours are the least of their concerns. I have taken the liberty of pasting the contents of my letter below - can't wait to see what they say.


Customer Services Team
First Great Western
Freepost SWB40576
Plymouth
PL4 6ZZ

Tuesday 10 April 2006


Dear Sir/Madam

I recently suffered the terrible misfortune of travelling on one of your trains and thought I’d take some time out to write to you about it.

In mid-February I purchased return tickets for travel to Castle Cary from London over the Easter weekend. I mistakenly believed that my advanced booking, coupled with the disconcertingly high amount you charged, would at least secure me a reserved seat for the journey. Sadly I was wrong. When I telephoned the number printed on the ticket in an attempt to reserve a seat I was told rather abruptly that this was not possible.

Nothing could have prepared me however for the horrors I was to witness as I tentatively boarded the 19.45 train to Plymouth on Thursday 5 April. First Great Western, I’m pleased to say, not only lived-up to my worst fears, but positively surpassed them with unswerving ineptitude. The sheer number of passengers, each desperately trying to avoid being stampeded as they left Paddington’s main concourse, was truly shocking and one I shall never be able to forget. All hope of securing a seat instantly vanished from my now fraught mind and instead my attention turned to gaining enough floor space for both my feet. After much pushing, shoving and squeezing, I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that I finally managed to acquire slightly less room than a veal calf on its way to slaughter (at least they don’t have to pay)! In fact I briefly considered translating this letter into ‘moo language’ for you – you do after all seem to treat your poor customers like cattle. However, I thought you might consider that to be a little too terse.

And so on with my story of woe. Eventually we limped out of our glorious capital five minutes late, I and my fellow bovines having resigned ourselves to several hours of standing room only. (Full credit must go to your engine at this point as it must have had a hell of a job pulling all those extra people you wrongly sold tickets to). It was soon after our belated departure that your train guard, in what can only be described a fleeting moment of genius, decided to really put the knife in by making an announcement of such extraordinary effrontery I thought my hooves would fall off. Rather than apologising for your company’s clear and obvious avarice/incompetence he decided to explain away the excess capacity on ‘the bank holiday’. Please tell me you weren’t aware the bank holiday(1) was coming? Catch you by surprise did it?

Quite frankly I regard this jumped-up, run-down reason for an excuse as an insult. The reason the train was over-crowded is because you over-sold the tickets - either because you are inept or because you were overcome by a fit of shareholder-induced greed. No other form of transport treats its customers (and their safety) with such glaring contempt – do airlines allow several hundred people to stand on their planes? Are ferry companies permitted to overload their ships? Can coach operators over-sell their buses? The answer to all these questions is no. Why then do you think you are any better?

Allow me to make a few suggestions. Count the number of seats on your trains. Sell the equivalent number of tickets (if you wish to sell more tickets than you have seats then inform your customers that they will be standing and give them a discount). Run more trains more frequently. Stop cancelling services.

I realise that this letter has probably ruined what little chance I had of securing some sort of recompense from you. If however, you are in a generous mood please feel free to send a cheque to my address.

Yours faithfully



Martin Elmore


(1) A Bank Holiday is a public holiday in the United Kingdom and also in the Republic of Ireland. Although there is no legal right to time off on these days, the majority of the population not employed in essential services (e.g. utilities, fire, ambulance, police and health-workers) receive them as holidays; those employed in essential services usually receive extra pay for working on these days. Bank holidays are so called because they are days upon which banks are shut and therefore (traditionally) no other businesses could operate. Legislation allows certain payments to be deferred to the next working day.

[cj]

Bravo, that man!!!!!!! I'm wetting myself with laughter. Please, please let us know what sort of reply you receive, and also how quickly it arrives.

[marty]

Bravo, that man!!!!!!! I'm wetting myself with laughter. Please, please let us know what sort of reply you receive, and also how quickly it arrives.

Will do, CJ. It's time to take a stand!!!

[sejintenej]

Bravo, that man!!!!!!! I'm wetting myself with laughter. Please, please let us know what sort of reply you receive, and also how quickly it arrives.

I have been having some "fun" with British Gas. Being miserly (a CH induced trait?) I pay next to nowt fopr phone calls BUT it does have the setback that I can't call 08** numbers - only geographical code ones.

So, I start a complaint session and get back a letter written by someone who seems to have been born with one brain cell and lost two. It ended up along the lines of "If there is anything we can do to help please ring 0845 ******"

Wrote repeating that I cannot call 0845 numbers - my telephone provider does not allow it. What is there "real" phone number? Answer - "if you have any queries do not write but phone 0845 ******"

This went on for almost a year and in the end they admitted that they don't keep letters so they don't know what the query was. I then merely listed their letters - date, reference, name of sender, location of sender (there were at least 5) ..... The reply was that I should ring them on 0845 ******

You try ringing BG in any case - I spent a fortune - and you cannot get through to anyone. I demanded to speak to their complaints department and was told that they simply cannot pass the call on - they have to deal with it themselves.

I even wrote to the CEO by name - and the reply came from some sub-microbial slime monkey to ring 0845 ****** I put a complaint to the industry ombudsman but they refused to act because I was complaining.

Eventualy I got through by letter to the one person in BG with any sense - a (apparently) junior level director and got the start of some sense but, as I wrote above, that took 10 months.

Believe it or not, they phoned my wife's mobile late at night so she had to pay the cost of forwarding the call to France - and the barsteward refused to hang up when requested but continued demanding the answers to questions which were not any of his business. I am promised that he has been disciplined after they listened to the tape.

That indicates the sorts of morons that BG employs. It was great fun but a bit expensive - perhaps £50 in all so, Mr British Gas, I am still waiting for your cheque - on paper please, not rubber.

The moral - just keep complaining.

As in another case which I won quite profitably two months ago, you can often guide the other side into making some complaint-worthy fault during each phone call - their staff are generally that stupid. Given that that original complaint took nearly 3 years with near weekly phone calls even I and a colleague were close to not knowing every outstanding complaint at the end. That was against an Edinburgh financial institution which, amongst other things, failed to answer a formal complaint which has a licence losing potential. They acknowledged the complaint in Jan 2006 but I am still waiting for their answer - I think that we are now past the 40 days allowed by the FSA.

[cj]

The moral - just keep complaining.

You're right. Persistence usually pays off. Most people will take what is said to them by a minion on the end of a 'phone and fume in private for few years or just not bother because it's too much hassle. Unfortunately it means that the bigger companies win once again and can keep on trampling over the general public.

[sejintenej]

The moral - just keep complaining.

You're right. Persistence usually pays off. Most people will take what is said to them by a minion on the end of a 'phone and fume in private for few years or just not bother because it's too much hassle. Unfortunately it means that the bigger companies win once again and can keep on trampling over the general public.

you missed the important quote

It was great fun

Rule 1. You mustn't take these things too seriously or it it will be you and not the other side who will end up in the looney bin. It is the idiots we want to lock away - not you. An idiot is by definition anyone less brainy than our resident (ex) Senior Grecianess or who didn't go to CH

Rule number 2 is that your "rights" have been trampled upon - the other side has no "rights". "What rights" I hear from the cheap seats; the right to be cossetted and looked after efficiently by a PhD or better provided they have brains, an intellect, a bottomless chequebook and a working crystal ball - an MD or MSc just is not good enough.

[Great Plum]

Marty, that was one of the funniest letters I have ever read!

[englishangel]

But at least you could come home and watch Fiona talking about the demise of Jackie magazine as a metaphor for the adultisation (?) of modern tweenagers. (Monday night BBC2 I believe)

[Mid A 15]

You must let us know what First Crap Western have to say in their defence...

I had to go on First Crapital Connect the other day - what an appalling service - and why do they think that purple and pink is a fine livery for their rolling stock?

I will certainly let you know although I think that livery colours are the least of their concerns. I have taken the liberty of pasting the contents of my letter below - can't wait to see what they say.


Customer Services Team
First Great Western
Freepost SWB40576
Plymouth
PL4 6ZZ

Tuesday 10 April 2006
Dear Sir/Madam

I recently suffered the terrible misfortune of travelling on one of your trains and thought I’d take some time out to write to you about it.

In mid-February I purchased return tickets for travel to Castle Cary from London over the Easter weekend. I mistakenly believed that my advanced booking, coupled with the disconcertingly high amount you charged, would at least secure me a reserved seat for the journey. Sadly I was wrong. When I telephoned the number printed on the ticket in an attempt to reserve a seat I was told rather abruptly that this was not possible.

Nothing could have prepared me however for the horrors I was to witness as I tentatively boarded the 19.45 train to Plymouth on Thursday 5 April. First Great Western, I’m pleased to say, not only lived-up to my worst fears, but positively surpassed them with unswerving ineptitude. The sheer number of passengers, each desperately trying to avoid being stampeded as they left Paddington’s main concourse, was truly shocking and one I shall never be able to forget. All hope of securing a seat instantly vanished from my now fraught mind and instead my attention turned to gaining enough floor space for both my feet. After much pushing, shoving and squeezing, I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that I finally managed to acquire slightly less room than a veal calf on its way to slaughter (at least they don’t have to pay)! In fact I briefly considered translating this letter into ‘moo language’ for you – you do after all seem to treat your poor customers like cattle. However, I thought you might consider that to be a little too terse.

And so on with my story of woe. Eventually we limped out of our glorious capital five minutes late, I and my fellow bovines having resigned ourselves to several hours of standing room only. (Full credit must go to your engine at this point as it must have had a hell of a job pulling all those extra people you wrongly sold tickets to). It was soon after our belated departure that your train guard, in what can only be described a fleeting moment of genius, decided to really put the knife in by making an announcement of such extraordinary effrontery I thought my hooves would fall off. Rather than apologising for your company’s clear and obvious avarice/incompetence he decided to explain away the excess capacity on ‘the bank holiday’. Please tell me you weren’t aware the bank holiday(1) was coming? Catch you by surprise did it?

Quite frankly I regard this jumped-up, run-down reason for an excuse as an insult. The reason the train was over-crowded is because you over-sold the tickets - either because you are inept or because you were overcome by a fit of shareholder-induced greed. No other form of transport treats its customers (and their safety) with such glaring contempt – do airlines allow several hundred people to stand on their planes? Are ferry companies permitted to overload their ships? Can coach operators over-sell their buses? The answer to all these questions is no. Why then do you think you are any better?

Allow me to make a few suggestions. Count the number of seats on your trains. Sell the equivalent number of tickets (if you wish to sell more tickets than you have seats then inform your customers that they will be standing and give them a discount). Run more trains more frequently. Stop cancelling services.

I realise that this letter has probably ruined what little chance I had of securing some sort of recompense from you. If however, you are in a generous mood please feel free to send a cheque to my address.

Yours faithfully



Martin Elmore


(1) A Bank Holiday is a public holiday in the United Kingdom and also in the Republic of Ireland. Although there is no legal right to time off on these days, the majority of the population not employed in essential services (e.g. utilities, fire, ambulance, police and health-workers) receive them as holidays; those employed in essential services usually receive extra pay for working on these days. Bank holidays are so called because they are days upon which banks are shut and therefore (traditionally) no other businesses could operate. Legislation allows certain payments to be deferred to the next working day.

Excellent letter other than the date.

[marty]

A small oversight which they probably wont notice....hopefully!!!

[kerrensimmonds]

An excellent letter. Truly eloquent. I wonder if First Great Western will publish it in whatever in-house magazine they have. It certainly deserves a wider audience than some ignorant dimwit in their Head Office.........