A dreadful weekend - not easy reading

[Katharine]

On Sunday I had the worst phone call of my life - my 19 year old nephew had committed suicide - as far as we know completely out of the blue, though it now appears that he was on the way home from his girlfriend so who knows whether there was a split/row/tiff.

My sister has bravely asked me to contact all people that I know who might have children of the same age. Please give them a hug, tell them that you love them and then have a serious talk about who they can talk to if they ever have such thoughts. If it can happen to him, who seemed the life and soul of any party it could perhaps happen to others. If anyone can be helped not to take such an awful step through this needless tragedy some good would have come out of it.

Please forgive me if I haven't expresses this correctly/ got my English correct/ etc I am still in a state of shock.

[Mid A 15]

Katharine,

I really don't know what I can say.

I wanted to reply though to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this sad time.

Andy

[englishangel]

How awful for you/his parents/grandparents /(?ex-) girlfriend. The young live for the now and if there was a tiff/row/breakup and the opportunity presents itself they don't think of other people.

[blondie95]

Katherine

My deepest sympathies for your family, what a tragic thing for one so young. Your sisters desire to contact others of that age and their families to get them to talk and say they love each other-is so very very brave

[midget]

My sympathies to your familt, Katharine and I do hope that someone is keeping aneye on the ex? girlfriend- she too must be feeling awful.

[Katharine]

Thanks for all your sympathy here and by pm. Maggie, the girlfriend is with her own Mum. My sister hasn't spoken to her yet but plans to do so tomorrow - the police had his phone so she could not contact her and what do you say first?

I want my Inner Wheel Club to raise money for a charity working in this field - either getting the youngsters to talk through problems or for the young bereaved in this way. His elder brother (23) is completely lost at the moment. Does anyone know of such a charity?

[Vonny]

What awful news - my sympathies to you and your family.

[Jo]

Oh Katharine, how awful. I can't imagine what that must be like. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. xx

[blondie95]

http://www.papyrus-uk.org/

[Katharine]

Thanks for the links. I have also found The Calmzone which sounds just the thing - it is particularly directed at young men.

My sister met the girlfriend today and there had not been a tiff. He texted her about 20 minutes before he died to say that he loved her, but his time had come. I don't think we will ever know what he meant or why. It all makes me more determined to raise awareness - I feel so much more positive having found something to do!

The funeral will be next Friday - no black!

[J.R.]

My belated sympathies Katharine.

Like most of the others, words completely fail me !

[Liz Jay]

Hi Katharine

I'm afraid words fail me too. I've known of a couple of similar instances - one very pretty girl who I only knew vaguely threw herself off one of the tall buildings when I was at University and the rumour was she was worried about her exam results, and a young man in the same circle of friends as my offspring recently drove his car into an archway amid rumours of money worries - so in both cases there was a "trigger" but these were healthy, popular young people with friends and family who cared and all their lives in front of them.

We can't walk in their shoes and depression is a funny thing?????

My sincere condolences to all who were close to your young friend.

Love
Liz

[nastymum]

Dear Katherine
I am so sorry for your loss but very heartened that you came to this good little place to share it. It made me think that if I had such terrible trouble this would be a helpful place to talk about it.
I have just read a book which really made me think about young men and why so many seem to have lost their place in the world.
I pretended to myself that I was reading it because wanted to be a better teacher to the boys in my classes but on reflection It is because I have a son with an absent father and two feisty , competetive and high achieving daughters. The book is called He's Ok by Celia Lashlie (as talked about on Woman's Hour last week-oh dear I am so old that I have become Radio 4 listener).
The research is based on Ms Lashlie's experience of young men and prison and also on boys in single gender schools. She largely listened to what they had to say and reported it in her book. I have to say that without sounding like a cheesy reviewer it is such warm, friendly and sensible book that it immediately altered the way I though about my son and the way I treat him.
The part that may be relevant to young men who kill themselves talks about the enormous drive to be impulsive that boys develop around the age of 13 and which may last well into their 20s. I believe there is some research that proves that a chemical in the brain is responsiblefor this.
What I learned is that the way my daughters do things is not better but just different from the way my son does things. As there are three of us and only one of him he has come to believe that the way he does things is not as good.I had forgotten that he is funny ,loyal,reliable, good company, thoughtful and so many other things. All I was seeing was that he is untidy, does his prep at the last minute because he lives for the moment (and why wouldn't you ?), forgetful and all the things that the girls aren't. Oh I just remembered -he isn't a girl!
I spoke about the book with all of them and the girls were furious but my son looked like it was the first time I had ever said anything that made sense to him.
I think that men have suffered for a long time from women trying to take all their stuff and do it better and that a lot of women have become dismissive of what is really great about men. Mea Culpa. The book asks the question What makes a good man? And when I thought about it I could see that the answer to this is in most of the boys I teach and in my son.
After my father died I learned that during the war he came home on leave and got so drunk he stole a fire engine and hid from the police in a field of nettles. He also robbed a bank in Berlin and sold arms to Yugoslavian partisans. He also parachuted into Arnhem and continued to jump out of planes until well into his 70s. Men do crazy impulsive things and you have to love them for it or you negate what they are.
Katherine, it may well be that in a moment of sheer impulse your nephew took his own life and if this is the case no one could have helped it. This doesn't take away any of the wonderful things that he also was-it's just the way he was at that second.

[icomefromalanddownunder]

Katherine, it may well be that in a moment of sheer impulse your nephew took his own life and if this is the case no one could have helped it. This doesn't take away any of the wonderful things that he also was-it's just the way he was at that second.

Thank you for being so eloquent in sharing this information with us.

I really hope that everyone at the funeral is able to celebrate what has been, and not focus solely on the events of last weekend. Sounds as though that is very much the intention, since black is banned.

Katharine, I hope that you and your family are bearing up. You know where to come if you need hugs + .

Much love

Caroline

[Katharine]

Thank you Nasty Mum for that, very interesting, I must look for that book. Will it help me with my 30+ sons, I wonder?

I think we are bearing up, Caroline. I let out a cheer on Thursday night after I put the phone down when I had been speaking to Mother. She had told me that I was wasting my money on phoning her so much - she was back to being Mother! No amount of explanation would get through to her that calls in the evening are free, she is still in her mind the poor vicar's wife whose children had to go to CH for a decent education as they did not have 2 pennies to rub together. I did not phone her yesterday but will tonight in case her thoughts are resting on 'this time last week'.

My sister is being amazing, she admits to very black times, but in the better times she is celebrating the funky young man that he was. It hurts her that she has been hankering for one of her sons to move out so she could have a craft room - now she has the chance. She says she will redecorate and be able to craft and remember without making a shrine.