Jokes, please.....

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

How Nice !----- Annieext has never, obviously, "Practised to decieve "

[Fjgrogan]

Whoops, Neill! that will be 'i before e except after c' (deceive) - I just thought I would get in before the pedants!!

[J.R.]

Oooooops !!!

[J.R.]

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times !

[J.R.]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel ?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really ? Like a newborn baby ?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[J.R.]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there ?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres !'

[J.R.]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant ?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love ? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose ?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,.............................. 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?'

[J.R.]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it ?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down ?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it ! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.



'Where's my toast ?'

[J.R.]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. A friend found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly my friend wheel him to the lift.

On the way down, he was asked if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[J.R.]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you ?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[J.R.]

and finally, on the subject of 'Senior Moments'............................

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts ?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[anniexf]

How Nice !----- Annieext has never, obviously, "Practised to decieve "

I wouldn't go that far, Neill! Just not on this occasion

[jhopgood]

Aye When I Was Your Age. . . . . . . John

If you are 40 or older you will think this hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious nonsense about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay nonsense like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in bl**dy Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bl**dy library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the sh1t out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favourite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-********!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the cooker! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

Regards,
Grumpy Gang

[J.R.]

Aye When I Was Your Age. . . . . . . John


That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

Regards,
Grumpy Gang

Or the 1950's at Horsham, but we've been there before, John.

Off topic for Jokes, I know, but I was enjoying a drink and cigarette, with a retired GP (Yes - One of the old-school), outside a local watering-hole the other evening. He said something very profound.....

"D'You know something ? It's the bl00dy pace of life that's killing this generation, John. Kids should be eating a bit of dirt, be exposed to various viruses and illnesses and not wrapped up in cotton-wool all day long !"



I had to agree.

[sejintenej]

[quote="J.R]
Off topic for Jokes, I know, but I was enjoying a drink and cigarette, with a retired GP (Yes - One of the old-school), outside a local watering-hole the other evening. He said something very profound.....

"D'You know something ? It's the bl00dy pace of life that's killing this generation, John. Kids should be eating a bit of dirt, be exposed to various viruses and illnesses and not wrapped up in cotton-wool all day long !"
I had to agree.

[/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote]
I've been saying that for decades.
I've met Montezuma in a bad mood, I've been up the Nile when the gippies was angry - the lot.
Company I did a job for took my family to Brazil on holiday; I made them follow every single bit of advice about avoiding bugs but my wife still went down and we had to get the doctor out at 2am (she recovered with a couple of shots of antibiotic). I just did what I wanted, ate salad, drank water .... broke every rule and was OK BECAUSE I'd eaten a bit of dirt, had viruses and bugs .......
I've had medical problems sorted out by an English woman who got herbs off the hillside, I've had warts removed by "white magic" (in the CH informary of all places - thanks, Megan!), I've made and used cabbage poultices etc., ............. Those skills have almost disappeared because of an interfering government.

That doctor was 1000% right.