Jokes, please.....

[kerrensimmonds]

Who of 'our generation' didn't eat a bit of dirt here and there, when we were kids?!
And went off on bike rides with no supervision, were out of the house all day with a bag of sarnies and not much else, got up to all sorts of naughtinesses of which we knew our parents would disapprove, but we never 'split' on each other. Makes my blood run cold these days, but I and my contemporaries survived to see another day! The worst thing that happened to me was when I was sitting at the top of a chalk bank, overlooking a country road, and my companion and I were chucking lumps of chalk down onto the road below (we must have been about 8 or 9 years old). A Very Angry Person turned up, demanded to know our names and addresses so that he could complain to our parents (and being ninnies we gave him the real information!). Nothing happened subsequently but it must have been years before I emerged from the fear of this person reporting me to my parents who, I knew, would have taken a very strict line.
And the decline would have have started anyway with the gummy sucking of toys/cot bars which may have been painted in lead based paint!
Onward and Upward and proud of it!

[midget]

Wait till you are REALLY old, although even I haven't put the teapot in the fridge recently. (Dooes using a teapot put me in line for the "Home"?

[kerrensimmonds]

I use teapots, Maggie, but only when I have visitors and we are all drinking tea of one sort or another.
Not sure that this is a measure of 'old agedness'?

[englishangel]

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence!

No, there were 4 or 5 collections a day , and one on Sunday, two deliveries and they would usually arrive the next day.

My 21 year old daughter uses a teapot so I wouldn't worry about it.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

YES ---- AND I A PEDANT ! (Double !)


But I did know the quote !

[jhopgood]

Penguins


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I wonder if Barnes B has now improved ???

[Mid A 15]

A son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:






'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I need help ! -- (Everybody says that !)

I am trying to re-construct a song, which was current in my young days in the Army, and may date from the era of "Music Hall" ---- to be sung in a strong Cockney Accent !

It's the same the whole world over --
It's the Poor what gets the blame
It's the Rich what gets the pleasure
Ain't it all a Bleedin' shame ?

Sister Sue has been and "Bought it"
For the forty second time
Brother Bill has been deported
For an 'omosexual crime.

Chorus --- It's the same --- etc.

Does anybody know any further verses ? I seem to remember there were several --- Clean -- but with innuendo !

Another for research is ---- "Sin, Sin, Sin, Sin, --- My God how the money rolls in rolls in -- rolls in --"

To the Chorus of "My Bonnie lies over the Ocean"

[englishangel]

http://monologues.co.uk/003/Poor_But_Honest.htm

[jhopgood]

A Scotsman was heading out to the pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put yer hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm oot.'

(sent to me by a Glaswegian)

[J.R.]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding......

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail, with photographs for driving without a seat belt.......

[kerrensimmonds]

True story.
An elderly work colleague went to buy petrol when 'self service' was a new feature. She nervously removed the petrol cap from her little blue Mini, followed the instructions on the side of the pump, inserted the nozzle and watched the dial begin to spin. She felt rather uncomfortable and anxious so she decided not to 'fill up' . She put the nozzle away etc. etc. and went into the petrol station to pay. With a dead straight face the attendant said 'That will be 2p, madam'. It must have been 1980 or 1981.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Apropos flashing lights ---
Just near me at a crossing, a new Speed Camera had been installad ---

It was constantly flashing at cars, at whatever speed ---

When drivers complained -- they were told ---"It is being tested, and is recording slow speeds, as well as fast "

There is now a notice , saying that it is "Under test" so drivers are going through at Mach 1 !!!

They probably won't remove the notice -- until a week or so AFTER it is operational !!

[sejintenej]

Apropos flashing lights ---
Just near me at a crossing, a new Speed Camera had been installad ---

It was constantly flashing at cars, at whatever speed ---

When drivers complained -- they were told ---"It is being tested, and is recording slow speeds, as well as fast "

There is now a notice , saying that it is "Under test" so drivers are going through at Mach 1 !!!

They probably won't remove the notice -- until a week or so AFTER it is operational !!

Long straight road in Weatherby, Yorkshire which has a 40mph limit. Driving along I saw this large flashing board giving what appeared to be my speed - 22 and 23 mph. Behind it were three uniformed police with two speed guns.
I reckon that one speed gun was attached to the display but "adjusted" because I was doing 30 - 31mph despite what the display said. Obviously they wanted people to take account of the display rather than their own car speedometers so that they could be "done".

I suppose the station fund was a bit low.