Jokes, please.....

[kerrensimmonds]

And I gave some friends a doormat last year, which read 'A Lovely Lady and a Grumpy Old Man live here....'. It was spot on....

[kerrensimmonds]

Unintentional duplicate posting removed.......

[englishangel]

One for the front door and one for the back door Kerren?

Edit: (Kerren, your post removal now makes me look silly )

[sejintenej]

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known
to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take
less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical
morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium
(symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium,
since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[englishangel]

Love it.

[englishangel]

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS


Written by a third grader ( year 4 - 8/9 years old) about what his grandparents do.

After Christmas a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

TBA informs me that this is VERY close to the facts-- in my case !!

[Mid A 15]

Subject: Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after,
a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely b****r
all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had
already gone wireless."

Just makes you bl**dy proud to be British.

[kerrensimmonds]

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Also

And "clapping hands" -- if we still had them !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A mother was passing her son's bedroom and was astonished to see, that the room was tidy and the bed made up.
Then she saw a letter addressed to her -- with the worst premonition she opened it, and read -

Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.

Ive been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice and wonderful, even with all her piercings, tattoos and way out clothing. But it is not only passion, Mum, she is pregnant and Joan says we shall be happy together.

I know that you won't care for her, as she is much older than me, she has a caravan, already parked on the Gypsy site and we can live there.

She wants to have more children with me and now that's one of my dreams too. Joan has taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us, and trading it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so that Joan can feel better, she deserves to, as she has had a lot of problems.

Don't worry Mum, I'm 16 years old now, and I know how to look after myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit, and you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving son

JOHN

Ps Mum ---NONE of the above is true, I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life, tham my School Report, that's in the centre drawer of my desk

I LOVE YOU --- Call when it's safe to come home

[jhopgood]

One for Neill?

Let's hope this happens to all of us!

98 and no enemies - human interest story.


All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

[jhopgood]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
.
.
.
.
.
The lion said: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[jhopgood]

My Living Will

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

The little bar stewards.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Jhopgood --


Loved all three --- I AM fast approaching the Old Man --- but trying to bore my enemies to death, by remeniscing about CH in the 40s !!