Jokes, please.....

[Mid A 15]

Imogen Thomas has become a singer.

However she only does gigs in Manchester

[englishangel]

Ryan Giggs is not often homesick but sometimes he does Miss Wales.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Never assume !

A CNN Reporter, on an urgent mission, used his cell-phone to call the nearest Airport and charter a flight.
He was told that a twin-engined plane would be waiting for hom.
Arriving, he spotted a plane waiting outside a Hanger --- he jumped in with his bage and camera and shouted "Let's go !"
once in the air he instructed the Pilot " fly over the valley and and make low passes , so that I can get pictures of the fires "
"Why?" asked the Pilot.
Because I'm a CNN photographer, I need to get close-up shots !


"You're telling me you're NOT my Flight Instructor ? "

[Kim2s70-77]

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You b****r!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack right in this same room, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

[jhopgood]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[kerrensimmonds]

[Kim2s70-77]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely
burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on
his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came
from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was
a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives
just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his
sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it."

"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[ailurophile]

That skin graft joke has reminded me of this one..

A man severs his ear in a freak accident and is referred to a plastic surgeon.

"We can offer you two types of prosthesis" says the surgeon, "a plastic one on the NHS, or a pigskin version if you want to go private".
The chap gives this a bit of thought and decides he can afford the deluxe pigskin ear.

A few weeks after surgery he returns for a post-operative checkup, and the surgeon asks him how things are going.
"Well," says the patient, "aesthetically, the new ear is marvellous - hardly anyone can tell it apart from the real thing. But I am a bit worried about my hearing; I'm getting a lot of crackling."

[englishangel]

Not exactly a joke, just a chip off the old block.

I was looking in the freezer and I said "Shall we have these cheap chips, or these really cheap chips?"
My son said "Keep looking, perhaps you will find some THEY will pay US to eat!"

[J.R.]

Apologies to those with STRONG Christian principles, but I did find this amusing !!......

The Chav's Prayer...


..Our father who art in prison, even mum knows not his name. Thy kingdom come, you'll read The Sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon. Give us this day our welfare bread, and forgive us our ASBO's as we happy slap those who got ASBO's against us. Lead us not into employment, but deliver us free housing, for thine is the chavdom, the Burberry and the Bacardi, forever and ever.....innit !!

[englishangel]

Courtesy of a HOB who can never remember her password on here.

THINGS CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS WOULD SAY.
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[englishangel]

What would you get if Chelsea got relegated?






45,000 more Man. U. fans.

[J.R.]

What would you get if Chelsea got relegated?






45,000 more Man. U. fans.

Not with me ! Possibly 44,999 though !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

SENILITY PRAYER ---
God grant me the senility to forget those people whom I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into those I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My Wild Oats have turned into All Bran

I finally got my head together -- now my body is falling apart.

Funn, I don't remember being absent- minded

If all is not lost -- where is it ?

It is easier to get older, than to get wiser.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded

If God had wanted me to touch my toes -- he would have put them on my knees.

It is not hard to meet expenses -- they are everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the Hereafter.

I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

Now, I think you are supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 -- oh well, send it to a bunch of your friends, if you can remember who they are --- then something is supposed to happen -- I think.

(Maybe you get your memory back --- )

[jhopgood]

THE JEWISH BRA

A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, " A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

" Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

" Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills".