Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO'S HORNY ? "... and she acts like she is asleep every time."

[englishangel]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a
sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See . He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay.

[Richard Ruck]

Not PC, but here goes:

Padraig goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Doctor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10
note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur goodness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no
more appear .

"Ah Doctor, tank ya koindly, dat's much better. How much was in dere
den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the man,



(Wait for it...........scroll down)




















Oi knew oi wasn't feeling two grand.......

[bap]

Not a joke I know, but I've just been told about a dog groomers in Southsea called "Laundro Mutt" - excellent . There must be other, equally inspired business names out there....

[Euterpe13]

There is a beautiful funeral parlour ( complete with stained glass windows) in Denia called " Siempre Viva" ..... which means " always alive " or " still alive" - gives me the giggles every time I drive past...

[jhopgood]

There is a beautiful funeral parlour ( complete with stained glass windows) in Denia called " Siempre Viva" ..... which means " always alive " or " still alive" - gives me the giggles every time I drive past...

Now I'm miffed, having just got back from Denia and missed this sign. Where is it?
I am doubly miffed that you would go to Denia without popping in to have a drink. The map will show you where.

[Mrs C.]

In Dartmouth there used to be an estate agency called Lecher and Scorer.
In fact I believe a whole monopoly game or similar was created using appropriate names largely based in Dartmouth - can`t remember any of the others though.

[J.R.]

Another for our blonde female members...................
____________________________________

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes ! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way ? "What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being ? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour !"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, Mister !.............. I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee !"

[englishangel]

I used to go to a fishmonger called Mr Salmon.

[J.R.]

I saw a scaffolders sign on a building under re-construction in Redhill some years ago....

'Bodgitt & Scarper'

[cj]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £20. "Why so little," she asked the proprietor.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Ill Repute and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's really not so bad. When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

[J.R.]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

______________

(Sorry, Jude !)

[marty]

Not a joke I know, but I've just been told about a dog groomers in Southsea called "Laundro Mutt" - excellent . There must be other, equally inspired business names out there....

I promise you I'm not making this up. My grandfather recently had to have a prostate examination - the doctor's name was Mr Pocock...

[BTaylor]

There's a TV journalist who used to do the weekend news on LWT going by the name of Chris Peacock.

[jhopgood]

My dentist in Amsterdam went by the name of
Filedt de Kok