Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

The Devil goes to Church.........................

A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am ?"

"Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me ?"

"Nope, sure ain't."

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word ?"

"Don't doubt it for a minute."

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity ??"

"Yep", was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid ??" asked Satan.

"Nope !"

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me ?

.

.

.

The man calmly replied...... "Been married to your sister for 58 years !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

I Love that one.
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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Post by J.R. »

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help.I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.

"Oh no ! I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," The man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes, then asked, "How does that feel ?"

He replied,"It feels absolutely fantastic .... but my thumb still hurts like hell !!"
:roll:
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

Marriage Lines !!
________________

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Post by J.R. »

The 'Ugly-Bus'

_______________________

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says...................



"Make 'em all ugly again".



NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE . . BE HAPPY
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Post by J.R. »

Some notes sent into School. (From the USA naturally !)
_________________________

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

Two Gay Guys are walking through London zoo.............

They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are totally fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The male gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop while the zoo keepers helplessly stand by................

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his pal visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt ????"

"AM I HURT ?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be ??? He hasn't visited....he hasn't written.....he hasn't even phoned.... !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

What circles do you move in JR?
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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Post by J.R. »

englishangel wrote:What circles do you move in JR?
Round ones !

I should point out that none of the jokes I post on here should be taken to reflect on my actual persona.

I just 'cut and paste' if they make me laugh !

So.........................................

Two gays go out for an evenings drinkies. After too many Pimms they arrive home to find out that neither of them has a key.

One 'borrows' next doors ladder so he can gain entry, (if you'll pardon the expression), via a bedroom window.

As he reaches the top of the ladder, he looks down at his pal, and says.

"You know what, Cecil ? I feel just like a fireman !!"

To which his partner replies.....

"Stop p1ssing around Sidney ! Where on earth are we going to find a fireman at this time of night !!!"
:roll:
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Post by englishangel »

Thank Julie for this one which made me laugh out loud.


ONE DAY, WHEN A SEAMSTRESS WAS SEWING WHILE SITTING CLOSE TO A RIVER,
HER THIMBLE FELL INTO THE RIVER. WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD APPEARED
AND ASKED, "MY DEAR CHILD, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED THAT HER THIMBLE HAD FALLEN INTO THE WATER AND
THAT SHE NEEDED IT TO HELP HER HUSBAND IN MAKING A LIVING FOR THEIR
FAMILY.
THE LORD DIPPED HIS HAND INTO THE WATER AND PULLED UP A GOLDEN THIMBLE
SET WITH PEARLS. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD AGAIN DIPPED INTO THE RIVER. HE HELD OUT A SILVER THIMBLE
RINGED WITH SAPPHIRES. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
AGAIN, THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD REACHED DOWN AGAIN AND CAME UP WITH A LEATHER THIMBLE.
"IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE," THE LORD ASKED?
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "YES."
THE LORD WAS PLEASED WITH THE WOMAN'S HONESTY AND GAVE HER ALL THREE THIMBLES TO KEEP AND THE SEAMSTRESS WENT HOME HAPPY.

SOME YEARS LATER, THE SEAMSTRESS WAS WALKING WITH HER HUSBAND ALONG THE RIVERBANK, AND HER HUSBAND FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DISAPPEARED UNDER THE WATER. WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD AGAIN APPEARED AND ASKED HER, "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
"OH LORD, MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER!"
THE LORD WENT DOWN INTO THE WATER AND CAME UP WITH GEORGE CLOONEY.
"IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND?" THE LORD ASKED.
"YES," CRIED THE SEAMSTRESS.
THE LORD WAS FURIOUS. "YOU LIED! THAT IS AN UNTRUTH!"
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "OH, FORGIVE ME, MY LORD. IT IS A
MISUNDERSTANDING. YOU SEE, IF I HAD SAID 'NO' TO GEORGE CLOONEY, YOU WOULD
HAVE COME UP WITH BRAD PITT. THEN IF I SAID 'NO' TO HIM, YOU WOULD
HAVE COME UP WITH MY HUSBAND. HAD I THEN SAID 'YES,' YOU WOULD HAVE
GIVEN ME ALL THREE.
LORD, I'M NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE
OF ALL THREE HUSBANDS, SO THAT'S WHY I SAID 'YES' TO GEORGE CLOONEY."

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: - WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD
AND HONORABLE REASON, AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.
THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT.
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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Post by J.R. »

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Mid A 15
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Post by Mid A 15 »

What's the connection between MFI and John Prescott?

Two screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart !
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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Post by J.R. »

The Pastor's Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHS PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

Did you hear about the two drug addicts who sniffed curry powder ??












They were rushed to hospital, one died of a heart attack........................








And the other one is in a korma.
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Post by J.R. »

The doctor told his patient about a procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head so it can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course the woman wanted it, and over the course of years she tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young-looking and vibrant.

Fifteen years later she returned to the surgeon and said "All these years everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results, but now I've developed two very annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and no amount of turning the knob will
get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said: "I'm afraid those aren't bags - those are your breasts."

And the woman said: "Well I guess there's no point in mentioning the goatee."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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