Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

Marketing Ploys !

SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUND

Our new Supermarket in our town has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

The deli features the aroma of freshly roasted coffee.

I don't buy their toilet paper any more !!!!!!!!!!

[J.R.]

Not really a joke, but where else to put it ? I like it !
_______________________________

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

[englishangel]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, No, you have
another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of
the ambulance?"
( You'll love this!!!)











God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[Mid A 15]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[J.R.]

Kneasels

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet ? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross ?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio ?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees ?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed !"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles ?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox ? "

[John Knight]

A farmer finances the purchase of a bull through his bank. The banker drops by later to check on his investment.
"The bull's too busy eating grass," complains the farmer. "He's not even looking at my cows.” The banker suggests a veterinarian check the bull.
A week later, the banker calls back. "Everything is great”, beams the farmer.
"The bull has serviced all my cows. He even broke through the fence and went after my neighbor’s cows”.
“Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?” "Just gave him some pills," replies the farmer.
"What kind," asks the banker? "I dunno," says the farmer. "But they taste like peppermint."

[J.R.]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a !" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited ?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles !!"

[J.R.]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.......... pregnant when you met her."

[John Knight]

Made in Britain

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he
shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress
shirt (MADE IN FIJI), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis
shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet (MADE IN SRI LANKA) he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting
his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his
car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying
British JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN
BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on
his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a
good paying job in the UK....

I guess he could try a Call Centre!!

[J.R.]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED EUROPERSON"

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

6. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

7. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

8. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

10. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL a***hole" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

[J.R.]

I just love this !!

Ring any bells ???

____________________________

THE SQUIRREL AND THE GRASSHOPPER

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.

The squirrels food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[midget]

Where do you find them JR? It's nice to see someone else of like mind

[UserRequestedRemoval]

Okay guys my sides hurt from laughing, enough already!

[J.R.]

Where do you find them JR? It's nice to see someone else of like mind

Jan and myself have a wide range of mates worldwide. Mostly with some disability which makes their sense of humour all the more humourous.

[J.R.]

I'm sure I must have posted this one before, but for those who missed it...
_______________

KIDS

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is A classic !


1. Don't change horses.............................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the......................................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before......................Daylight SavingTime.

4. Never underestimate the power of........termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but........how ?

6. Don't bite the hand that.........................looks dirty.

7. No news is.............................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a...........................Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new............math.

10. If you lie down with dogs you'll.............stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust.......................................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the................pig.

13. An idle mind is.....................................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.

15. Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is................................not much.

17. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...........you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry...........and you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as................ Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind.............get out of the way !




and the WINNER IS----------------



25. Better late..........than pregnant !!!!!