Jokes, please.....

[Mrs C.]

You beat me to it Mary!!

[J.R.]

In my defence, because you've probably all guessed, it was originally sent to Jan !!

[J.R.]

Probably the worst Christmas Joke EVER !!

Santa was walking down the street with two large sacks, having parked the reindeer on a double yellow.

"Hello, Hello, Hello", says a voice from a doorway "and what have we 'ere then ?"

"Just Santa taking some presents for some poor street musicians" says Santa.

"Well I need to see inside the sacks under my powers to stop and search" says the copper "You might not be the real Santa."

So he looks in the sacks and finds them both full of mobile phones.

"OK, he says "Go on shock me with the excuse".

"Like I said", says Santa "Presents for poor street musicians - two sacks o'phones ! "

[Stan]

Apologies for Little Tony's language



teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on

little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is

delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The

second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is

biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the

one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with

the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the ***king difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are

going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an

example of a multi-syllable word ?"

TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a

show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the

same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father

bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little

Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out

beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called

on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she

was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just ***king beautiful !'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar

after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you

know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you

acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ***king business."'

[J.R.]

I'm pleased to see the standard of jokes is getting somewhat blue-er.

(May-be I should trawl through my hard drive !)

[Stan]

Oops! Have I overstepped the mark??

[englishangel]

To make you feel better Stan.

I have had this one from 2 sources today.



What did the tornado say to the palm tree?


























"Hang on to your nuts this is going to be one hell of a blowjob"

[J.R.]

The New Race

Running Doe, A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor ?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples !" she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind ?"

She said, "That's ok with me."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "How many people are in your tribe ?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe ?" asked the doctor. "

Running Doe replied, "We're called............


(You know me, I hate to do this to you I really do hate to do this to you; LIKE HELL !!!!!, I love it !)










"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

[Euterpe13]

[J.R.]

Some 'Girly' thoughts.

(courtesy of one of Jan's friends, Natch !)
_______________________

Girlie Wisdom.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like..."You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .Now... I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch..do it and die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

[englishangel]

I SO identify with that.

[Mid A 15]

Subject: TECH SUPPORT


A salutory lesson for all blokes is set out below:


Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and
valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as
Playing rugby 10.1, Watching rugby 10.2, Playing Cricket 11.1, Watching
Cricket
11.2, Going for a few pints with the lads 14.4, Poker Night 10.3, Football
5.0 ,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system
whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but
the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
__________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a
Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
is
designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete
Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall,
or
purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I
recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will
return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance Wife
1.0
comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook
It
1.5
and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to
improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.
I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt
3.3 This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[englishangel]

I had seen the first letter before, that has been around for ages, but I like the reply.

[John Knight]

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said,

"Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England".

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Brown.

"Well' said Blair "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies ' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we
really enjoy the Countryside"

"Right PM" said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they
arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely
country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the
wood" said Blair.

"Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord, "two pints of best it
is,coming up"

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the
adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with
crook.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath,
Shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He
walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his
head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds
came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the
barman over.

"Tell me" said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds come in and
look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?"





"Good Lord no," said the barman. "Its just that someone has told
them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ars*holes".

[J.R.]

The Chemist.

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the chemist straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The chemist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide ?"

The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The chemist's eyes got big & he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy ! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law ! I'll lose my license ! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide !"

The woman reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the chemists wife.

The chemist looked at the picture & replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription !!"