Jokes, please.....

[Stan]

This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday
Morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his
Contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If
The preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and
His lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the
Preacher stays; I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to
Guarantee the college education of his children!!"

More sighs and applauses.

Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays,
I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush.

The preacher, blushing, asks,"Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to
say that?"

Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and
he said....***k him!

[J.R.]

Apologies to anyone religious.

Bells Offer

Bells Scottish Whisky manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Bells official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Bells is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily whisky'."The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Bells man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily whisky'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Bells guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Bells respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily whisky'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness ?" asks a Cardinal................














"We're losing the Hovis Account."

[englishangel]

Dare taken

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom !!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


(Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.)

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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"


Oh for goodness sake. laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute... and clean jokes.


Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around !

Broom Broom !!

[John Knight]

MALE or FEMALE?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them!

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device
if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you
push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[John Knight]

'Off to America'
(Is this Gemma's brother?)

http://www.flixxy.com/short-film.htm

(contains 1 swear word)

[Stan]

Subject: Chinese Couple

Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not experienced either.

On the wedding night, she gets naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be >
reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting,
juss anyting you want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about .. numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You wanna...chicken wiff broccoli?"

[J.R.]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello ?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking !"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean ?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful ! Can't you do the test again ?" Questioned Mrs.Ward.

Normally we can, but B.U.P.A. will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now ?"

"The people at B.U.P.A. recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[J.R.]

Interesting things when you have sons and you live in Texas, like .

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[J.R.]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you ?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing ?"

"Well," Mary said, "It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror !!"

[englishangel]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and then keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice......."The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's that growing in your bum?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:'Holy sh1t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[englishangel]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten". A large mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. As time passed (as it invariably does) Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Whilst swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back and, lo and behold he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner". Justin shouted........ ...................

WAIT FOR IT .........










....."I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[Stan]

This is America.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE&eurl

[englishangel]

Oh dear, but I bet you could do the same thing in UK (which begins with a U)

[J.R.]

One that was sent to Jan from the States !

________

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME

GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMMMMM OR COULD HE ??

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE ?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK ?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS !" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GREY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH ?"

[Mid A 15]

ADVICE FOR PARENTS

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.


AND FINALLY

If your creations cause you lots of tension and you get a headache then do what it says on the bottle:-

'Take two aspirins' and 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'