Jokes, please.....

[Richard Ruck]

Very tittersome, J.R., brightened up my morning!

Are some airline stewards a bit camp, then? I'm sure I've never noticed....

[marty]

A Welsh policeman receives an anonymous phone call, telling him that a local farmer has been 'up to no good' with one of his sheep.

The policeman duly visits the farmer, who freely confesses to his crime, and so arrests him.

On the journey back to the station the policeman cannot help but ask the farmer about the mechanics of his offence:

'Well, what I do,' says the farmer,'is I put their front legs over a wall, their back legs in my wellies and I have my wicked way with them!'

And with that the policeman books in the offending agriculturalist for his crime...

A few days later, the same voice telephones again to say that another local farmer has been 'worrying' some his flock. The policeman arrests the farmer and asks him the same question on the way back to the nick:

'Well, I put their back legs down in my wellies, front legs over a wall, and I do the hokey-cokey!'

Sure enough the flossy-loving farmer is booked for his filthy crime by the policeman.

A few days later a further call comes in - same crime, different farmer again. So the weary policeman trudges off to his third farm of the week and arrests the occupant on suspicion of naughtiness with a sheep.

'So how do you do it then?' asks the policeman of the farmer on the way back.

'Well, I tend to put their back legs in my wellies, their front legs over my shoulders, and then I have my fun!'

This puzzles the copper:

'That's funny he says. I've arrested two other farmers this week for the same crime but they said they put their front legs over a wall and, you know, did them from behind'

To which the farmer replies, 'What - no kissing?'

[J.R.]

CHILDS-TALK !

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's> home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home ?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him ?"
"No." The child whispered,
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there ?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her ?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there ?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman ?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what ?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise ?"
"A hello-copper." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there ?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "what are they searching for ?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[Richard Ruck]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

[marty]

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Diana have all just died and are waiting in heaven's VIP room, next to the pearly gates. Saint Peter walks in:

'I'm afraid I've some bad news,' he says, 'we're rather full at the moment so we only have room for one more celebrity. You'll all have to tell me what you did during your lives that was so fantastic and I'll decide which one of you can come in.'

Versace goes first:

'Well I brought joy to the world with my haute couture and beautiful clothes. I changed fashion forever and made people feel great when they wore my designs.

Next Freddie Mercury states his case:

'Well, I brought happiness to millions with my amazing singing. I was an uplifting figure in the music world, and, I was great at the Live Aid concert, helping to raise millions of pounds for the poor of Africa.'

Then Diana says her bit:

'I publicised colonic irrigation and brought it to the attention of the masses.'

At which point St Peter says, 'Diana - you're in!'

Versace and Mercury cannot believe it and angrily ask him how he can defend his decision:

'Easy,' says St Peter, 'a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day!'

[jtaylor]

Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one.

The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap.

Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

[J.R.]

I was having a quiet Saturday afternoon in on my own yesterday, watching the tennis, when there was a tap on the door..........






... That plumber has got a bl00dy funny sense of humour.

[aguinaga]

Will probably cause offence, and get removed

But was kind of amusing:

It's January, 1986. Some astronauts have just taken off in a space shuttle. Only a minute into the flight, one of the women asks: "What does this button do?"

[aguinaga]

Two sharks are in the Atlantic and are bored of their diet, and fancy something different.
"I'm sick of the same old thing," one of them moans.
His friend replies, "Then let's go up to Morcambe Bay for a Chinese!"

[J.R.]

Two cannibals sitting in the jungle, eating a clown.

One turns to the other, and says........................

"Does this taste funny to you ????????????"

[J.R.]

.......and sum luvly quotes for yer !

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
.
[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
.
[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
.
[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
.
[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
.
[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
.
[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
.
[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
.
[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
.
[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
.
[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
.
[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
.
[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
.
[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
.
[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol
.
[16] Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
.
[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
.
[18] I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain
.
[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
.
[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
.
[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
.
[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields
.
[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
.
[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
.
[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
.
[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown
.
[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

[Richard Ruck]

Un- P.C. again, I'm afraid.

A rubbish collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. He has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it, so he knocks on the door. There's no answer, so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro" says the chap.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the rubbish collector.

"I bin on toilet," replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the rubbish collector smiles and says, "No mate, where's ya dustbin?"

"I dust bin on toilet. I told you." says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the rubbish collector... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK-OK," says the Japanese man, "I wheelie bin having w*nk"

[J.R.]

........... and on a similar vein.

Nelson Mandela is sitting in his living room in Joburg.

There's a knock at the door, and he signs for a box, opens it to find a car bumper inside. Bemused, he just puts it in the garage.

The following day, the same guy arrives with another box. This time, Nelson finds a radiator and a headlamp.

The next day, when the delivery man arrives, Nelson grabs him by the lapels and shouts in a broad South African accent,

"It's about time you learnt to read properly. The boxes are addressed to NISSAN MAIN DEALER !!"

[jtaylor]

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him
until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds
to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,"
says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,
"All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

"Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(Think you'll like this one.)

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.

So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred....

So, when do I be starting the job?!"

[J.R.]

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE ?

Mick is appearing on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won £500,000 "You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But for £1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go ?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go !"

"OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest ?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo, or (d) Thrush.

"I haven't got a clue," says Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick calls up his mate, tells him the circumstances and repeats the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cries Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy ?" asks Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer ?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There's the usual long, long pause, then the presenter screams, "Cuckoo is the correct answer ! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invites Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink."

Tell me, Paddy ? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest ? I mean you know fook-all about birds."

"Ah Bejaysus!" laughs Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo lives in a clock !!"