Stupid things that people say

[cj]

When people are told of the impending addition to the family, I'm hearing a lot of "What do you want?"

The reply to which is manifold. Apart from the obvious which I can't bring myself to state, separate beds, a quiet life, no stitches, a live-in nanny etc. run a close race.

Given the size that I am already, I guess it's no surprise that the remark should elicit such an answer as onlookers could be forgiven for thinking that I'm giving birth to a large, fully-assembled wardrobe.

[kerrensimmonds]

The circumstances are not funny, but we could not help going into hysterics in the office today when we looked at a student's claim for mitigation for not submitting in the assessment in two modules last December :-

' On xyz date I suffered a pulmonary embolism (clot on the lung) which meant that I was taken to hospital by ambulance. There I proceeded to die, exacerbated by diabetes.............'

OOh dear....

Fortunately the student recovered in time to complete the application for mitigation, which was considered by their Board of Examiners today. Of course the Board said 'OK' - you can submit again but on a first sitting basis, at the next assessment round'. We are after all a humane and caring institution.....

[Great Plum]

My mother in law recently had problems with her phone line and she had to borrow our phone to contact Tiscali...

When she phoned them she was asked: "Are you phoning from the phone that doesn't work?"

[englishangel]

My husband's PA checked her "rainy day" bank account and had about £500 more than she expected so she rang the call centre to find out where it had come from.

"You had a deposit of £480 Madam"
"Yes, I know, but where did it come from?
"Child Benefit Madam"
"But I don't have children"
"Are you sure Madam?"

"Well unless I was in a coma for a year at some time, yes I'm sure."

[Jo]

Bit like our mad housemistress who forbade any nicknames or abbreviated names, as they were too familiar (except she thought it was ok to call Trish Buddle "Pat" because that was a recognised abbreviation, even though no-one, even her parents, called Trish "Pat"). Myself and Jo Robson were always known as Jo, but she corrected everyone and called us both "Joanne". After several weeks, we plucked up our courage to tell her that actually, if she wanted to use our correct names, we were both called "Joanna". Her response was "Are you sure?"

Mind you, that was less to do with stupidity, and more to do with a paranoid obsession that everyone was just trying to find ways of disrespecting her "proper names" rule. She was truly mental.

[marty]

I was in the canteen at work last Friday (fish and chips day) when a girl holding a bottle (just like the one pictured below) turned to me and asked:

"Is this vinegar?" I was sooo tempted tell her it was a lawnmower...

[Angela Woodford]

Bit like our mad housemistress who forbade any nicknames or abbreviated names, as they were too familiar....She was truly mental.

Was that the weird woman Miss Screen, with the terrier called Sarah? Tell me she was sacked, please! Was she before or after The Goat? However were those strange women taken on as Housemistresses?

Munch

[Jo]

Yep, Miss Screen it was. She was a couple of years after The Goat, who was housemistress when I arrived. Between the two there was Mrs Ford who was a bit daffy and not really up to the job - we ran rings round her. I suspect Miss Screen might have been sacked - I think DR got wind of some of her behaviour, and she disappeared mysteriously during one holiday, to be followed the next term by Mrs Campbell the mad Scotswoman.

Truly, I didn't envy DR the task of hiring housemistresses - I don't suppose the salary was great, and the accommodation was cr*p until they built the little flats. I think they only attracted people who were unemployable anywhere else.