Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS

[Mid A 15]

THE CREMATED HUSBAND


Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table.
Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money!’



She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said.



'Herman, remember that car you promised me?

Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said.



'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?

Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.



'Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?'
'Here it comes......'

[englishangel]

that has to be read twice for the full effect

[Mid A 15]

Subject: Confession...


An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

'Father .... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood
knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied:'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said:'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?'

[Ajarn Philip]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says, "You're next, fatty."

[J.R.]

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING !

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist £50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

[J.R.]

THE MEDICINE MAN !

A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it ONCE a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish !"

The man then asks "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue ?"

The medicine man replies "When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down - But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole year !"

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks "What did you say '123' for ?

[J.R.]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing ? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see !" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist ?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grand-ma's idea."

[J.R.]

If famous characters throughout time had Jewish mothers

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile ?'

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write...'

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'A ceiling you paint ? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children ? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling ?'

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'You're not hiding your report card ? Show me ! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me !'

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Again with that hat ! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids ?'

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye !'

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep !'

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime !'

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair ?'

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
'Desert, schmesert !! Where have you really been for the last forty years ?'

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
'It would have killed you to become a doctor ?'


BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.

[J.R.]

Variation on an old joke........

LINCOLNSHIRE EARTHQUAKE APPEAL PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY !
A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire in the early hours today .Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of historic tractors were damaged beyond repair and all three of the County's compoooooters went down.

Three areas of historic scare crows were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their press gang Transit mini buses arrived.

Lincs FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincolnshire.
One strange effect of the earthquake was to startle thousands of toads into action - but most residents returned to their homes within minutes
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle later in the morning."
Another resident said, 'I was in bed with my five daughters and their grandmother, as usual, and on feeling the vibrations I nudged my mum in the back and said 'Has that disturbed the ducks, Duck?'

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Wellington Boots & Barbour jackets
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from ?' they asked, "Scu*thorpe" said the girl, wossit gotta do wiv you?" (And who put the c--- in Scu*thorpe anyway ?)

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Spalding/Boston area - oh, s0d it... they won't be able to read it anyway !

[midget]

Love them, JR. I used to sit at the next desk to a Jewish man who swore his mother was the inspiration for all the Jewish mother jokes (and not for nothing was my great-grandmother called Rachel Absolom--true, she "married out" and was disowned)

[cj]

These were left in our choir stalls yesterday.

A mother is a person who seeing that there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she doesn’t actually like pie.

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver her children obstetrically once and in a 4x4 forever after.

It is strange that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around – and why his parents will always wave back.

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest-salaried jobs…. Since the payment is pure love.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.

A mother understands what a child does not say.

[J.R.]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child 'Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime ?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box.'

'Very good' says the teacher 'If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime ?'

Freddie replies 'Playing with Becky in the sand box.'

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie ?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking see under my jacket in case I had explosives'.

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit !!'

[J.R.]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

'What's the moral of that story ?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket !'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share ?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Sharon. Aunt Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story ?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[J.R.]

Battle of Trafalgar c.2008

The setting is the eve of the Battle of Trafalgar...

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this ?"

"Sorry sir ?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this ?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

"Damn it man ! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What ?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled ? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next ? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew put up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - Haven't you seen the adverts ?"

" I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What ? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish ?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not ?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety..... Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?"

As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy ?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"

"In that case, kiss me, Hardy !!"