Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

In no way is this joke intended to be racist. Just shown it to a coloured friend who absolutely roared !
____________

There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem for ?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonn a find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem ?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not going to wear any panties.....'

'What ? No panties ?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first !'

[J.R.]

Mantra for peace.

Heard this and found it really helped me !

A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around the house the see the things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonai, a bodle of baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, the mainder of bot of Prozic and Valum, scriptins, the res of the chesecke an a bx of chocolets.

You haf no idr who fkin gud i fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned iv inr pece

P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S !!

[sejintenej]

Marriage

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ..
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

[englishangel]

I was just answering the phone at work as I got to the end of that one.

[J.R.]

Too terrible to imagine

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him ' Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him !

[J.R.]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies... Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Sh1t ! That must be my husband !'

So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the woman 'I'm your husband, you slut!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah ?... So why were you running ? You son of a bitch !'

[J.R.]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened ? How come there was no clapping this time ?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand ?"

[J.R.]

ASS SIZE STUDY




There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:






30% of women think their ass is too fat............



10% of women think their ass is too skinny......









The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

[J.R.]

Rugby update


It was Scotland/Wales "International" weekend in Edinburgh , and as the crowds made their way down Princess Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but,quick as a flash,a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said,

"That was brilliant, I can see the headline now."

"Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death."

The man replied,

" No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!"

"Don't worry" said the journalist,

"I can see the headline now."

"Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler"

The man replied,

"No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire .. "

The journalist said,

"Don't worry, I can see the headline now"

"English B@stard Strangles Family Pet !!!!"

[J.R.]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men

playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men who immediately clasped his hands

together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a

Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her

hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and

asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[englishangel]

You Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord
take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I
will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found
one."




Father Murphy walks into a pub in

Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you
want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the
wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the
priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do
you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to
tell me that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; I thought
you were getting a group together to go right now."




Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop
on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow
of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then
he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on
the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it
not about time ye let the Catholics across?"




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had
died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I
died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye
callin' from?"




An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state
trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another
fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on
her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What
did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken."




Flynn staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his
shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his
pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his
butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to
quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting
a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in
both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from
across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't
you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the
stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
hall mirror.

[jhopgood]

True one about the Irish

I was on a run a few years ago with an Irish friend of mine when he asked:

"How far do you think we have run?"

"A little over half way" I replied.

To which he said

"That's too much for me, I think I'll go back."

[J.R.]

FOUND ON A TOMBSTONE !

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour, and one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries.
Some fascinating things on old tombstones !
_____________________________

Harry Edsel Smith of St Albans Herts.:

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the lift shaft to see if the
lift was on the way down. It was.

============ ========= ========

In a Yatton Somerset, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

============ ========= ========

On the grave of Jobe Aikle in East Dulwich Cemetery , London:

Here lies Jobe Aikle, Age 102.
Only the Good Die Young.

============ ========= ========

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

============ ========= ========

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna.

============ ========= ========= =

In a Rainham, Kent, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.

============ ========= ========= =

In a Birmingham England, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake.

============ ========= =========

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

============ ========= ========= ===

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:

If cash thou art in want of any,
dig six feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

============ ========= ========= ====

In a Hartscombe, England cemetery:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

============ ========= ========= ====

Anna Hopewell's grave in Devon England,
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

============ ========= ========= ====

On a grave from the 1880s in Epping London:

Under the sod and under the trees,
lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

============ ========= ========= ====

In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you, I'll not consent
for I know not which way you went.

[J.R.]

The Farmer's Divorce !
Attorney: "May I help you??"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah I got a grudge! That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "Nope, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Okay, let me put it this way... why do you want a divorce?"

Farmer: "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

[englishangel]

that's up there with the 10 sickest jokes of all time.