Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was excessive hair in his ears.

So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady that if she wanted to keep the problem from recurring she should get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemists and bought some Nair hair remover.

At the counter the male asisstant told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The male assistant says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either. And if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The male assistant said, "Well, stay off your bike for a week."

[marty]

Not actually a joke but something funny nonetheless. Was talking to my dad a few weeks back about a pub I'd gone to in London Bridge called The Bunch of Grapes. Without even missing a beat he said, "Ah yes, the hemorrhoids pub - I've heard it's a good place to hang out." Suffice to say we had trouble finishing the conversation from laughing so much...

[J.R.]

Was Fiona at the bar ?

[kerrensimmonds]

Ermmmm
And the connection between Fiona and the Bunch of Grapes is...............?
(Don't get smutty, JR.....)
[And I apologise unreservedly if my ignorance/innocence has missed the point here....]

[J.R.]

Marty is Fiona's No1. stalker !

[sejintenej]

When working for an American company one often has to l
earn some of their language.

individual aerial deceleration machine = parachute
combat emplacemenmt evacuator = shovel
permanent pre-hostility = peace
expeditionary soft shelter system
OR frame supported tension structure = tent
energetic disassembly = explosion
service the target = kill the enemy
combustion enunciator = fire alarm
hydrotherapeutic immersion emplacement = jacuzzi
hydroforce blast cap = toilet plunger
fiber-molded psycosymbolic emotional surrogation device = teddy bear
dual-function hypno-incumbency installation = sofa bed
tri-color mobile compost production unit = beagle
cerebral cortex paralyzer = television set
multi-module non-voluntary sequestering compound = prison
individual behaviour adjustment unit = solitary confinement
significant write-down = big loss
volume related production schedule adjustment = shutdown
illuminated entry system = car internal light
vehicular malocrusions = car accident
electronically adjusted color coded vehicular-flow mechanism = traffic lights
manually-powered fastener-driving impact device = hammer
hexiform rotatable surface compression unit = steel nut
stationary circu;lar slippage eliminator = washer
negative patient care outcome = hospital death
observed in a moribund state = dead
surface distortion = pothole
economicaly non-affluent = poor
volume reductio plant = rubbish dump
sea-air interface climatic disturbance = wave
application of oleagineous resin still in an incomplate state = war paint

[sejintenej]

When things go wrong
As they usually will
And your daily road
Seems all uphill
When funds are low
And debts are high
When you try to smile
But can only cry
And you really feel
You'd like to quit


Dont come to me
I don't give a sh8t!!!

[J.R.]

For the more mature amongst you...........

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny- ... 6393.blurb

[jhopgood]

This really should not be in jokes, because most of it is probably true.

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?


How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bl**dy money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the then Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services.

However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am --you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago

….WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN !?!?!

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

Amen Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[J.R.]

A recent study found the average Scot walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the Scots are averaging about 41 miles to the gallon.


Kind'a makes yer proud of the Scots, dunnit ??

[englishangel]

An elderly, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said "No. I would like to see something more special" With that the jeweller went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
"Here is a stunning ring" he said, " and it is only £40,000".

The young lady's eyes were sparkling and she was trembling all over. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it".

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds are there and I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon".

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "Sir, the bank tells me that there's no money in that account".

"I know" said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend"

[J.R.]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it ?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing !"

[J.R.]

OUTRAGEOUS COURT CASES !

Believe it or not, these are actually true !


January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

[Jo]

OUTRAGEOUS COURT CASES !

Believe it or not, these are actually true !

Oh no, they're not!

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

[J.R.]

I only cut and pasted from incoming e-mail to 'Er Indoors' !!