Jokes, please.....

[Jo]

I guessed as much

Most circulars containing allegedly true stories are urban legends - especially the dire warning kind (often about some sort of scam) that ask you to forward to everyone you know. If in doubt, always check Snopes!

[J.R.]

MILITARY WISDOM !

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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur

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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."

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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh Sh.t !"

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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed t o Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[Mid A 15]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an @rsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

[midget]

You have made my day!

[englishangel]

http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff84 ... fadsag.jpg

[jhopgood]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We
don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few
minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[jhopgood]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no, " says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the lst nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

[kerrensimmonds]

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics….

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)

English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

[J.R.]

SIXTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8.The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the cr@p out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Ajarn Philip]

Who is Dave Barry when he's at home, and why did he feel it necessary to claim all that as his own?

[J.R.]

I think he came from bleak island in Wales !!

[Ajarn Philip]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stilettos and a mask over their eyes

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend:

'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 5 inch stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long


The mistress:

Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night


The married one:

'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:



'Hey up Batman, what's for dinner?'

[J.R.]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute.


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented ?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes ?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled ?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular ?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say ?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist ?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites ?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things ?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced Tenty one ?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence ?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed ?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men ?

15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office ? What are we supposed to do, write to them ? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

18. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water ? ...Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE !

19. Wasn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool ?

20. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

21. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it ?

[J.R.]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it ?'

The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife.'

'What happened to her ?'

The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse ?'

The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog ?'

'Join the queue !!!!'

[englishangel]

An Australian, a New Zealander and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The New Zealander, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Nyer Zullund we hev so much send to make the glesses that we don't need to drink out the same gless either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the New Zealander.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,

'In Strailya mate, we have so many bl**dy South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.'