Jokes, please.....

[kerrensimmonds]

Oldies' Alphabet :-

A Anno Domini - and that's a fact,
B is for back ache- tight and compact.
C is for crises (I've had quite a few),
D is for dentures, all sparkling and new.

E is for energy - lacking I fear,
F is for frolic when I'm in top gear.
G is for grit to get out and about,
H is for hearing - you'll just have to SHOUT!

I is for independent - well that's my belief,
J is for jargon - it must be the teeth!
K is for kinship we share for a while,
L is for laughter - we all need to smile,

M for mature (or is it just old?),
N for notorious at feeling the cold.
O is for option - an old people's home?
P perseverance to go it alone.

Q all the questions, departments and form,
R my reflexes are not quite the norm.
S is for Someone - I'm not just a number,
T is for tightness - especially me lumbar!

U for umbrella I left at the station,
V is for vertigo on my vacation.
W is for worn-out, weary and wan,
X explanation ... I got it all wrong!

Y is for youth, now no longer my 'aide'
Z is for zeal - unabated, though staid.

Author: Mrs J.Nixon

[kerrensimmonds]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.

'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

'The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass'.

[J.R.]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a strikingly beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure ?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business at this convention ?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really ?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there ?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable, and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba !!"

[J.R.]

(For non-Brits, 'Viz' is a hilarious adult 'comic')


On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
Mrs B.Essex.


The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.


If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters ?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.


They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon ?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bl**dy grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics ?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'.

Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham.

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one ?
K Libretto, Welling.

[J.R.]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You sh@g her again.'

[J.R.]

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate".

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: 'Your Passin It !'"

[J.R.]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet ! You're going to jail !"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[J.R.]

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about ?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power ?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is ?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t ?"

[kerrensimmonds]

Allegedly, this was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though goodness knows how many takes).

The irony is that it is equally alleged that the BBC received no complaints! The speed of delivery must have been too much ... apologies to any who are offended or to any who have already seen this:-

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six-mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise; there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart. ’Who’s fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[Ajarn Philip]

Allegedly, this was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies.

Allegedly being the operative word. If Alan can come up with a recording of it, I'll believe it's true! Mind you, that doesn't stop it being funny!

Not as funny as 'Rainbow' though...

[J.R.]

Fred gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the h*ll have you been '?

Fred replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.

'A tattoo ?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get ?'

'I got 2 x £50 notes on my p*nis,' He said proudly.

'What the h*ll were you thinking ?' She said, shaking her head in disdain. 'Why on earth would an accountant get 2 x £50 notes tattooed on his privates ?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want !!.



Fred is recovering in ward 23.

[J.R.]

Watch out for that SUN !

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor ?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs !!.

[huntertitus]

This joke only works if you say it, rather than read it

Two Muslim fundamentalists in Millets are checking out
how they look in the mirror as they try on the latest back-packs

One looks at the other and says

"Does my bum look big in this?"

(BOMB)

(interesting how the word "fundamentalist" contains the word "mental")

[englishangel]

Only if one of them was Inspector Clouseau.

[Mid A 15]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!


A lady died this past January and MBNA bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been
£0.00 now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

MBNA:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:
"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

MBNA:
"Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member:
"So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

MBNA:
"Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
Credit Bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member:
"Do you think God will be mad at her?"

MBNA:
"Excuse me?"

Family Member:
"Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?"

MBNA:
"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

MBNA:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:
"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

MBNA:
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member:
"No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member:
"Sure." (fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member:
"Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

MBNA:
"Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member:
"Would you like her new billing address?"

MBNA:
"That might help."

Family Member:
"Glasnevin Cemetery, Finglas Road, Dublin 11, Ireland, Plot Number 1049."

MBNA:
"Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member:
"Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?"