Jokes, please.....

[Sean]

THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedd ing invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door..
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:  
Always keep your condoms in your car

[J.R.]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'But I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

'What's wrong with me ?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag !' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex ?'asked the doctor.

'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?' asked the doctor.

'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Well', said the doctor, 'Are you in a homosExual Relationship ?'

'NO ! - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor...




SCROLL DOWN..........






KEEP GOING.................







This is good - wait for it .... ... .... ..... ...


























'Your mother must have been a carrier ! ! !'

[Ajarn Philip]

Probably best to save the big build-up for the good jokes...

[midget]

Ouch

[gma]

World Financial Crisis


For those of you who have difficulty understanding the current world financial crisis and how it evolved, the following should help...


Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs.10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs.10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at Rs.20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs.25 and the supply of monkeys became so limited that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs.50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected, I will sell them to you at Rs.35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for Rs.50.'

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to WALL STREET!

[Mid A 15]

What is the difference between an Icelandic banker and a pigeon?





A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a new ferrari.

[gma]

Even with the credit crunch, the Christmas party season is upon us...........

The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's now 8.30am. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up.

The bedroom was clean and tidy. There was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

"I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Gillian. x"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

"Well, you came home after 4am drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper! I'm married!'"

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time ...... PRICELESS

[englishangel]

I was at home on Saturday night when my brother rang and said he was at a pub quiz and did I know what is the capital of Iceland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I said I was pretty sure it is Rejkavik?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He said he and the rest of the team had thought it was about £4.50

[englishangel]

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tyre Store

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

[kerrensimmonds]

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

[CHAZ]

A stranger was seated next to an 8-year old girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if You strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'



The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'



'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiled.



'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
horse produces clumps of pulverized grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The
stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about
it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'



To which the little girl replies while she slowly reopens her book, 'Do you
really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t?

[gma]

Must remember not to open this thread on a Blackberry when on the train -
when I burst out laughing at Chaz's Nuke joke I thought I was going to get thrown off!!

Brilliant

[huntertitus]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when
he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance
back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached
the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and
this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this.Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
men


'Can I borrow the dog?'











The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[huntertitus]

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........














the other 15% haven't been to prison yet ..

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

What would have happened, if it had been three wise WOMEN at the Nativity ?
1. They would have made dinner
2. they would have cleaned out the stable.
3 they would have changed the baby.

What would they have said when they left ?

1. Did you see those sandals Mary was wearingwith that gown ?
2. I don't think that baby looks at all like Joseph !
3. Virgin -- my ##### -- I knew her at school !