Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

Probably been postred before, but the time is right for a recipe for Christmas cookies.




 Jack Daniels Christmas Cookies

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
Lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda
4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar
1 cup of nuts
1 tsp salt
2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup Jack Daniels Whiskey

1. Sample the Jack Daniels to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the Jack Daniels again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
3. Turn on the electric beater.
4. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one teaspoon of sugar....
6. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Jack Daniels is still okay. Try another cup, just in case.
7. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
8. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
10. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack Daniels for tonsisticity.
11. Next, sift two cups of salt, or whatever. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jack Daniels.
12. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
13. Greash the oven. Turn the cake 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
14. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Dack Janiels and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

[kerrensimmonds]

In another version, its Tequila, and it's Christmas pudding or cake!

[J.R.]

A Christmas Story.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day ? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it ?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[J.R.]

Another Christmas Story.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[englishangel]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.


Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.


The next day, Arlene hobbles into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously curious, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted.

[huntertitus]

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit.


Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.'

Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.'

Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.

[Mid A 15]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.
One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?'
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-off time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay. She smiled, and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!
Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up and finally one of them couldn't contain his curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?'
The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if
it's pointed straight up in the air?'
She said, 'Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.'

[englishangel]

I like that one.

[CHAZ]

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are
you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

_____

[J.R.]

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really ?



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far !


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy !


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's !


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial !


War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect !


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Really ? !



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought !


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something !



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape ? !


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough ?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans !


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken ?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again !



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right ?

[John Knight]

French Supermarket Parking Lot Scam Warning

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping.

Simply going out to Intermarché has become quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot and start cleaning your windscreen provocatively.

When you offer to pay them, they ask instead for a ride to another store and climb into the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 11th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th 24th, 29th and on December 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 11th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

[jhopgood]

NO PUN INTENDED!

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

oooOOOooo

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.

However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.

oooOOOooo

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

[englishangel]

A man is driving down a back road in the coutryside.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:



HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer



'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself, 'me 3 favourite tings!'

[jhopgood]

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now accepting donations.
The Library will include:

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.

The library will also include many famous quotes by George Walker Bush:
a) 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
b) 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
c) 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
d) 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicines.'
e) 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
f) 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'
g) 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
h) 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
i) 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
j) 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world..'
k) 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op).
l) 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
m) 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
n) 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
o) 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson.

Sincerely,
Jack Abramoff, Co-Chairman G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors.

[CHAZ]

ALL PUNS INTENDED....


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in
the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.




17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them
to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'





18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal.'





19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.





20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.