Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

A Blonde Essex 'ladette'goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says: 'SEX FROGS'

Only £20 each ! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point .. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


'LISTEN TO ME !!

I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME !!!'

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Back to English Angel's Mother Superior --
It was Leaving Day at the Convent School, and the Mother Superior was talking to the Leavers at Assembly --
"Now Mary, what are you goin to be when you leave this school ?"
"I'm going to be a Teacher, Mother "
"Very good -- and you, Elizabeth ?"
"A Nurse Mother"
"Splendid ! and what about you Sybil ?"
"I'm going to be a Prostitute Mother !"
The Mother Superior staggers back -- clutching her Crucifix --
"SEE ME IN MY OFFICE !"
Afterwards in the Office -- "Now I'll ask you again-- what will you be when you leave School ?"
"A Prostitute Mother Superior !"
"PRAISE BE ! ----- I thought you said a Protestant !

[jhopgood]

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . ...

[J.R.]

Not sure if I've posted this on here before, so......................

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- 'Alive, but without my permission.'

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[Mid A 15]

A little quip especially for JR:

What do Chelsea FC and Sharon Watts have in common?






They've both f***** Phil and Grant

[jhopgood]

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't -- and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ..." he replied -




SCROLL DOWN












She sells C cells by the seashore

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Further to my Post on "School or place of Learning " Herewith a Jewish Joke from my Jewish friends ----
A woman visits the Rabbi --- "I want that my dog, should have it's Barmitzva " The Rabbi is aghast -- " Madam, if you want that sort of thing, -- go to the Reform Synagoge ! -- (In jewish joke !) She goes to the Reform Rabbi, with the same request, and gets the same reply "We don't give dogs Barmitzvas"-- --- "Look ! " she says "I'm willing to give £20,000 to the Synagoge Funds !" --------------"Why didn't you say it was a Jewish dog ? "

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

And another joke from my days as a "Goy" in a Jewish community -----
Jewish Mother and Gentile Mother at the Seaside --- an enormous wave engulfs their children and sweeps them offshore
The Gentile mother "Oh Lord Save my son ! " --- The Jewish Mother "Jahweh save my son --- one of your Chosen People !"
Now the wave returns to the shore depositing the children , unhurt.
Gentile Mum "Thank you Lord !" --- Jewish Mum "And where's his cap ?"

[jhopgood]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, The light goes on. When I'm done, poof, The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's p!ssing in the fridge again!

[jhopgood]

PASSENGERS on the plane which crash landed on the Hudson river recently insisted the terrifying experience was much better than Heathrow.

As the stricken US Airways jet drifted over the skyscrapers of Manhattan before touching down in the freezing water, dozens of frightened passengers thanked God they were not arriving in London.

Tom Logan, a New York businessman, said: "As someone who has flown into Heathrow twice in my life, today's experience was like having a long, soapy shower with Heidi Klum.

"I hear they're planning a third runway at Heathrow. They should build a large moat instead. It would improve the experience immeasurably."

Kathy Cook, a sales assistant from New Jersey, said: "I looked out the window and saw the water getting closer and closer. I thought of my children, my husband, all the things I've never done and then I thought, 'oh well, at least it's not Heathrow'."

She added: "Minutes later we were all squeezed onto the wing in the freezing cold waiting to be rescued and it occurred to me that this was actually much less crowded than Heathrow and with better facilities."

Aviation experts said the pilot, Chesley Sullenberger, was a hero for guiding the plane to a safe landing and saving the 155 passengers from a Heathrow-like nightmare.

Sullenberger said: "I kept saying to myself 'come on Ches, make it better than Heathrow. Just make it better than Heathrow'."

A US Airways spokesman said the passengers should receive their luggage within 48 hours, adding: "It's not as if the plane has been anywhere near Heathrow. It's just partially submerged in the Hudson river."

[englishangel]

Ouch

[J.R.]

Ouch

.. but probably very near the truth. !

[J.R.]

You may laugh, but many a true word spoken in jest...........


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2009 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpertrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

[englishangel]

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing someone too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, which one, McDonald's or the tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither. I want to sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with."

[midget]

Questions and answers as taken by American court reporters. (found in The Times a while ago)

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No I just lie there.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?