Jokes, please.....

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

1959: Man walks into my Office on Monday,--- carrying a 2" Mortar Bomb "I was walking on the Moor on Sunday and found this !"
"OK -- no-!- don't put it down !-- wait amoment, while we get a Sand-bagged jeep and take it to the Burning Ground."
This is a TRUE situation, which actually happened more than once !(Why always on a Monday ?)
2009: (Possibly) --- 999 call -- arrival of Armed Police --- Anti- Terrorist Squad, SAS, Full investigation of the man's Family. Friends, Associates, Political involvements, Religious conviction --- (Conviction ?) -----
You can fill in the rest for yourself !
PS I love the Budweiser joke !

[jhopgood]

1959: Man walks into my Office on Monday,--- carrying a 2" Mortar Bomb "I was walking on the Moor on Sunday and found this !"
"OK -- no-!- don't put it down !-- wait a moment, while we get a Sand-bagged jeep and take it to the Burning Ground."
This is a TRUE situation, which actually happened more than once !(Why always on a Monday ?)
2009: (Possibly) --- 999 call -- arrival of Armed Police --- Anti- Terrorist Squad, SAS, Full investigation of the man's Family. Friends, Associates, Political involvements, Religious conviction --- (Conviction ?) -----
You can fill in the rest for yourself !
PS I love the Budweiser joke !

Not a Budweiser Joke as it happened to me in early 2003.
Not long after my father died, I visited my mother in South East London, where she continued to live. I took it upon myself to start clearing out the rubbish, knowing that she never would. One of the first stops was the garage, which is attached to the house.
As probably mentioned elsewhere, my father was a policeman, attached to the Bomb Squad for quite some years as an Explosives Liaison Officer, and when he retired from the Met, he went back the next week in the same job but as a Civil Servant. Apart from ensuring that any evidence was collected correctly so that it could be analysed by the Lab, he also gave lectures on explosives to the police .
Clearing out the garage I came across some detonators, some cotton wool like stuff and some gray, plasticine like material in a plastic bag. I had a pretty good idea what they might be so I took them out of the garage and stuck them on the top of the wheelie bin. My mother was taking a nap, so I phoned Eltham Police station, who then put me through to Woolwich, where the explosives people were located. This took a little while as no-one seemed to believe my story.
Eventually they took it on board and within about 15 minutes a police car drew up and one of the officers came to the door.
I took him round the back, pointed at the goods and said words to the effect, "It's all yours now, take it away".
He peered at the stuff, said "Those are detonators" (something I had just told him), shouted at his mate to switch of his walkie talkie and asked if he could use our phone. He was worried that the the radio waves would set off the explosives.
He also refused to touch it, even when I picked it up and offered to take it out to his car.
By this time my 82 year old mother had come down and was getting a bit nervous.
Next thing we knew was that they had cordoned of the bottom of the street and a few houses up, told the neighbours to either evacuate or stay in doors and ordered us out of the house There was a police car half way up the road and two down the bottom. They just sat around waiting for the explosives van to arrive. I refused to leave until the explosives guy got there, explained the situation to him, agreed for them to do a full search of the garage and the house and persuaded my mother to come for a walk with me and the dog. That was probably the most difficult thing I had to do.
We went down the woods and were away for about an hour. When we got back, the operation was still going on and they were waiting for the sniffer dogs. Since it was pretty cold, my mother and I sat in the back of one of the police cars, with my Jack Russell on my lap. The dogs arrived and my mother suddenly realised that the cat was in her bedroom, so I was designated to go and get the cat, put him in a basket and bring him back to the car. Second almost impossible task.
So there we were, mother with cat in cat basket on her lap, me with Jack Russell trying to get at cat, in the back of a police car, being peered at by passer's by as if we had been arrested. We later discovered that the neighbours thought the police were digging up a body we had buried in the garage.
Eventually the all clear was given and we were allowed back. In addition to what I had shown them, (the grey plasticine was explosive, but I forget which), they also found some live ammunition in a cigar box. None of this seemed to bother them, as the Inspector, who was now on the scene, thought that when my father retired, he had just cleaned out his desk and brought it all home. Including his demonstration equipment. What did upset him was my father's notes made before one of the trials he was involved in. These were in police books and should never have left the office.
They dismantled everything and left, and we heard no more about it.
A little surprisingly, since it took most of the afternoon, it didn't even get into the local press.
I know it was a few years before 2009, but apart from the rest of the family finding the whole thing hilarious, nothing else happened.

[J.R.]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Manchester.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said..........


'Wedding Cake.'

[J.R.]

HOT NEWS !

A press release from Max Clifford reveals that Alfie Patten, the 13 year old father of daughter Masie, has decided to join the Fathers for Justice Campaign.

Alfie said...................

"It seems like the right thing to do, seeing as I already have the spiderman outfit !!"

[J.R.]

... AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:-

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

----------------------

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old.

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old.

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old.

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old.

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old.

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old.

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old.

AND THE BEST RESPONSE !

My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my Dad. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old.

[J.R.]

A Nun Marking Religious Education Papers.

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure !

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I loved JHopgood's story about his problems with "Disposal"
I may be wrong, but I think I identify the "Cotton wool stuff" as Guncotton -- usually in 1lb slabs so probably deteriorating ! and the "Plasticine" as Nobel's 808, which had a smell which gave headaches. -- don't tread on the Detonators-- they contain Fulminate of Mercury (Or used to --- but memory fades after 60 years !) which can be set off by shock !
Oh happy days ! I've still got all my fingers -- look --- now where are they ?

[jhopgood]

Out of the minds of children......

1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses............. until they stop running.

2. Strike while the...................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before........ Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of..... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but..... How?

6. Don't bite the hand that........... looks dirty.

7. No news is...................... impossible

8. A miss is as good as a ........ Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new .... Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ....................... Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.

13. An idle mind is ........................... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ........... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who .................... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ........................ not much.

17. Two's company, three's ................. the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ........ you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .......... You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ............. Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not .......... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ............... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ........... See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind ....................... get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand .................................. is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than ................................ Pregnant

[mvgrogan]

[Ajarn Philip]

Out of the minds of children......

Somehow I doubt it - Stevie Wonder, the Musketeers?? Funny nevertheless!

[englishangel]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing
who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies,
'Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts,
'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says,
'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says,
'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Scotsman replies,
'Indeed, that is true,
but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

[J.R.]

KIDS IN CHURCH !

3-year-old Reece :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it - I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they Were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church ?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait..'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children When the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to thei r six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing ?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner ?'

[J.R.]

Big People Words !

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk ! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend ?

'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words !'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done ?

'I read a book !' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL !' the teacher said. 'What book did you read ?'


(I love this.....)


Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,





'Winnie the SH1T'.

[J.R.]

Who said kids are too sharp ?

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

This Topic is getting enormous -- I hope this hasn't been on before ---

The Pastor is baptising in the river, when along comes a drunken Irishman (I'm allowed - I'm Irish )
The Irisman falls into the river -- the Pastor pulls him up and asks "Will yu look for Jesus in you life ?"
The Irishman justs shakes hi head -- so the Pastor puts him under again and again and again --- cut story short.
After holding the Irishman down for some 30 seconds, he pulls him up again and asks the question again --
spluttering, and wiping the water from his eyes -- the Irishman asks -----
Ar ye sure dis is where he fell in ?