Sir David Jason

[J.R.]

I recently, NEARLY got into a very nasty argument, (YES - In licensed premises), with a young and probaly a Guardian reading male. They do say you shouldn't discuss politics when sampling the amber nectar.

I said I was a staunch Nationalist, (with a capital 'N').

He then started slagging me off, and the BNP in general, calling me a facist racist.

I told him I strongly objected to being called a racist, as I'm certainly NOT !

This poor deluded teenager just couldn't accept that love of ones country couldn't make one a racist.

I have a lovely photo here of Zara's impromptu 18th. birthday bash at Dorking football club, surrounded by our teams three ace strikers.

Zara is 'White'. The strikers............ Yes you've guessed it. They all come from South London and are great great fun to have a drink and socialise with.

Me racist ???????????? Get a life laddy !!!!

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I hope I haven't said this before but------
We have, in our Church, a charming, young, Ugandan man, named Paul, who has come over to help with the Children ,in various activities such as Art, making Instruments , Drumming -- WOW ! and lots of other things.
I took him to visit Salisbury Cathedral, to show him some of the bits that the "Tours" don't know (I do !)
After visiting the Market and introducing him to the G G G Grandson of Archbishop Longley -- who is married to my Cousin -- we wandered about the City, and I bought a few things and put them in a bag.
As we were walking towards Lunch, I wanted to see how much cash I had and said to Paul "Would you mind carrying this ?"
After a few yards he said -- with a perfectly straight face -- "Should I carry this on my head ?"
He really is great--- one of the Church Children asked him what toothpaste he used (You know the glittering smile !)
His reply was "Bongo Tree Bark " -- all the kids are now pestering their Parents to buy it !

[J.R.]

Superb, Neill.

Typical banter after a match outside the club-house AT Meadowbank.

Striker to defender, (white): "You coming up to my party next Saturday ??

Defender: "Not quite sure at the moment, Adie !"

Striker: "Don't worry - We've arranged your visa into Brixton !"

PRICELESS !!