Jokes, please.....

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Sorry about three on the trot -- but I think this is a warning about checking your Email before sending it-----

A couple in Minneapolis decided to spend their 25th Wedding anniversary in Forida, since the Winter was icy.
They planned to stay at the same Hotel as their Honeymoon, but because they both had hectic schedules,they flew separately
The husband arrived first and Emailed his wife to say he had arrived safely. Unfortunately he left one letter out, in the Email address, didn't check it and sent it off'.

At the same time, somewhere in Houston, a Widow had just returned from her Husband's Funeral. He was a greatly respected Ministerof the Church, who had died of a Heart Attack.
The Widow checked her Email --- expecting messages of condolence -- but suddenly screamed and fell to the floor in a faint !
Her Son rushed in -- and on the screen, was the following Message -----

To My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you are surprised to hear from me, but they have computers here now, and you are allowed to send Emails to your loved ones. I have just checked in on arrival and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival Tommorrow !
I hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.
PS It sure is HOT down here !
I look forward to seeing you --- I'm a Hugaholic -- and I need a Fix !

Moral --- check first !

[J.R.]

A Sunday Afternoon Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot' he shouted.
'An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company' he continued.
'Matt's riding a new bike....'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board....'

After a few moments he announced 'The Coopers are having sex !!'

Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out 'How do you know they are having sex ?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on HIS balcony with a lollipop !!'

[J.R.]

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.

She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home ?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the shepherd.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.

Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it ?", queried the woman.






"If I can guess the real colour of your hair... can I have my dog back ?"

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Group Photos --

The children had all been photographed, and the Teacher was trying to persuade them to buy a copy ----

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it, when you are all grown up, and say --Theres Jennifer -- she's a Lawyer- and there's Michael -- he's a Doctor "

Small voice from the back of the room -- "And there's Teacher --- she's Dead !"

[jhopgood]

THE HIRED HAND
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
Now take off my stockings.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

[jhopgood]

From the USA

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Sermon and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint..."

[J.R.]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob......something about the emergency brake......"

[J.R.]

Quotes by Women-------------------------

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. (Cora Harvey Armstrong)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. (Erma Bombeck)

Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. (Jennifer Unlimited)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

Thirty five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine)

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow ! (Kathy Buckley)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .. and I'm also not blonde.. (Dolly Parton)

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. (Roseanne Barr)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career… (Gloria Steinem)

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (unknown)

[jhopgood]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer replied, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer replied, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer replied,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer replied, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[J.R.]

The Importance of Walking, (and others...!)

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old.
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £3,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year.
Spent about £200.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise.
The last few years,...... Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, bBecause there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a 'Happy Hour' bar and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

AND

Now that I am older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience........
Turns out, I just don't give a sh1t !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Loved it JR --- I am going to force my well-meaning, but health-conscious Wife to read that !
For the last 33 years I have been saying "Yes Sister -- No Sister --- Three bags full Sister "
Rebellion is stirring !

[J.R.]

Gordon Brown, please take note...............!

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866 )

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

[J.R.]

A Fencepost Tortoise:


While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Norfolk farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister. "Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain,...........

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."

[lonelymom]

[J.R.]

Grandparents !

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT ?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself !"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what ? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies ?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth ! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him !

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.